On Drones and Pretending to Give a Shit

So, I'm scrolling through some stupid shit the other day and I come across this ad for a drone. Now before I go on, I just want to say in all seriousness..... Fuck drones. Fuck drones and the "hobbyists" that buy them. Fuck drones and the idiot parents who clearly don't see the irony in buying something called a "drone" for their mouth-breathing little whelps. While we're at it, fuck drones and the creepy, voyeuristic shits who think that slapping a camera on one is adding anything positive to society. You're not fooling anyone. It's not "art" and we all know the only thing you're "adding to" is your sad little collection of jerk-off content.

Where was I? Oh, right. Speaking of "jerk-off content", this fucking drone ad. The whole thing is based on the premise that some barely legal surfer lady with perfect hair and big tits somehow manages to find herself in a prime "selfie" situation....... WITH NO PHONE!

Yea, I'm not buying it. When was the last time you saw one of these narcissistic little psychopaths without their phone? #Feelingit. #Inspirational. #FullyLit.

Anyway, whatever. Let's suspend disbelief momentarily and pretend such a thing is possible.

So, like I was saying.... Big-tits surfer girls is in a bit of a pickle. Granted, the ad heavily implies that she's more used to being on one, but I digress..... The point is, what's a girl to do?! Apparently, what you do is push the "come hither" button on the remote you've conveniently strapped to your ankle. Now I'll admit, where I come from if someone has a bracelet on their ankle it has a whole different meaning. So, I was intrigued. Next thing I know it's "DRONE TO THE RESCUE!" Seriously, this thing flies her phone out to her and drops it in the goddamn water about six inches in front of her face. She scoops the phone up, poses and takes the selfie to end all selfies (if only). Crisis fucking averted!

This is where we are folks. It's not enough that I've got a device in my pocket that can send and receive shit to and from space. No, now I've also to consider the fact that maybe I need a flying fucking robot butler to bring me said device on command.

I remember when I was a kid.... yea, I hate myself a little for saying that. Anyway, when I was a kid we all thought the machines in The Matrix were the bad guys. Now I look around and I see a world full of folks going "You mean I get to just lie here in a biological soup and do nothing? All the while you'll beam the shit that I like straight into my brain? So what if it ends with me wasting away into a ball of slime. Sign me the fuck up!"

This is what it's come to. Once upon a time technology was going to save us all. The internet was going to connect everyone and bring about a new and wonderful society built on freedom and democratic principles. Then somewhere along the way we decided that 24/7 access to cat videos was more important than something as lame as "principles."

Don't get me wrong, I think the things we're capable of in this day and age are impressive. They just aren't great.

What do I mean by that? Let me put it this way. It's "impressive" that you can send a picture of your dick halfway around the world in the blink of a hairy brown eye. But, it's not "great." Great would be getting up off your ass and doing something to actually make the world a better place. But, we don't do things that way anymore. We're all way too busy letting everyone know how awesome we are.... without actually doing anything that's... well... awesome.

Remember the #bringbackourgirls bullshit? Oh. My. God. Weren't we all so united for all of about 30 seconds? It was wonderful to sit around and pat ourselves on the back about how fucking amazing we were. Hell, we even had Michelle Obama jumping on the bandwagon. You know shit just got real if Michelle is on-board. Did you ever wonder what happened to them? The little school-girls I mean? You know, the ones we all cared so much about? Oh right, we got bored and moved on to other things. Some lion got killed, an adorable gorilla ate a bullet and Trump is President. Meanwhile, spoiler alert; most of the girls were most certainly NOT brought back. They're still getting passed around like a joint. It's cool though, while they're getting fucked in the ass you can rest easy knowing that the 30 seconds you took to post a hashtag really made a difference. There you were taking a shit, and you thought to yourself "I'm going to step up and really do something." Way to multi-task!

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "If you care so much, why aren't you doing anything?" That's a great question. But, it's based on the false assumption that I care. I don't. The difference between me and you is that I'm not trying to pretend otherwise. I don't give a shit. My point is that neither do you. I think the world would be a much better place if we could just all come to the realization that most of us really don't care. We like to pretend every once in awhile. But the truth is, caring requires some kind of effort. It might even require sacrificing something every now and then. For the most part, we aren't capable of things like that. Unless there's an audience of course. What it boils down to is this: we're all inherently selfish. So, unless there's something in it for us, we're just going to sit here nodding in unison while the world burns.

Just make sure that when the time comes you don't miss out on the perfect end of the world selfie. Actually, I've seen an ad for a drone that you might be interested in.

It's Trump's world now.... AKA 'What would Shawn Say?'

While a large portion of the world sits around playing the “fuck-it, let’s see what happens” game, I find myself asking a strange question: ‘what would Shawn say?’

For a bit of context, anyone that knows me at all will tell you I’m a ‘bit’ into American politics. This is in part because the United States will always be a part of who I am and where I come from.

Truth be told though, that’s not the whole story. To understand the rest of it you’d have to know that the best parts of my childhood were spent arguing. The fact that the topic of choice happened to be politics was just an excuse. It was a means to an end. 

For my father it was the chance to teach his know-it-all kid that having an opinion is easy, but backing it up with facts and logic was something else. What the kid got out of it was something I wish more folks had these days, the chance to argue a point against someone smarter than themselves. Personally, I reckon the old man got the short end of the stick on that one.

Anyway, what would Shawn say? Towards the end of his life it seemed like the farther right he went the farther left I ran. At our core though there was a set of values that we never disagreed on, despite how we might’ve argued about how to get there.

Firstly, no man, woman or child who is willing to get up every day and do their best should feel like they aren’t welcome in America. Or, as I’d like to think Shawn would say ‘how can it be that the nation that defined the concept of self-providence and hard work is suddenly scared of a bunch of fucking Mexicans that want the same thing I’ve got?”

Being the prick that I am, I likely would’ve pointed out that this isn’t exactly the first time we’ve gone off the deep end as far as immigration is concerned. But, he was always more of an idealist than me.

Next, I have no doubt that the ‘grab them by the pussy’ audio tape would’ve bothered him. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t a dyed in the wool feminist (trust me on this one). But, one of the earliest pieces of ‘dating advice’ that I can remember hearing from him is something that I believe to this day. It went something like this: ‘Son, if a lady takes enough pity on your dumb ass to sleep with you, don’t go telling everyone about it. Number 1; get a bit of class about yourself. Number 2, if you run your mouth she won’t go doing it again.’

That sage (and unconventional) advice explains why it is that I’m disgusted by the man I now have to call “President.” I give not a shit what two CONSENTING adults do behind closed doors. But what Trump described wasn’t consensual and it certainly didn’t have any class about it. Let’s pretend for a moment that the interactions he was referring to were between two adults who were fully in agreement with grabbing each other wherever and whenever….. That doesn’t give him the right to go and brag about it to some second rate television personality (or anyone else for that matter). So, what would Shawn say? “Getabita class about ya’, ya’ fuckin’ pig” Side note, for those who aren’t sure, “Getabita” is one word. It’s what impatient folks say instead of “get a bit of.”

This last part of this is the hardest of all.

Despite all of the reasons that I’ve already explained (and many more that I don’t want to bore folks with) I honestly think when it came right down to pulling the lever that my father would’ve gone for Trump. For me, this is where the know-it-all kid just isn’t as capable of righteous indignation as what he should be. The honest truth is that regardless of the name of the head of the fish that stinks, and the party he/she has represented, my life has pretty much been the same all along.

What I mean by this is that I grew up on every government program that there’s a name for. Food stamps, done. WIC, of course. Social security, naturally. Medicaid, why not? At the end of the day, we were still poor and no one gave a shit. Now, lest you think this is some kind of anti-liberal rant, I think it’s important to point out that while I love my country, I won’t ever be able to live there again…… and that’s purely because of Republican ‘healthcare’ policies. In my youth, I spent 4 days in the hospital. That’s left me with a bill of over $20,000. Now, an argument could be made that with hard work and dedication I might someday be able to pay that off. But, I can’t do it with my wife beside me because the US immigration policy is fucked (again, thanks Republicans…. IE the “Family” party.)

My point is that regardless of who has been in power, life for folks like me and mine has pretty much been the same from one administration to the next.

Then all of a sudden you have this guy come along that says he’s going to fix it all. In the midst of all the crazy, vile BS that he spews, he somehow manages to say the right thing once in awhile. His competition on the other hand? All she can do is point out how awful her opponent is and promise you that if you vote for her you’ll get at least 4 years of the same……

All you folks thinking ‘well, that’s an easy choice’, try to put yourselves in the shoes of my father and the millions of other people just like him. Imagine for a moment you’re confined to the same chair that’s been your home regardless of who is in power. What would you do? Would you play the safe choice and bank on the people that have spent the last 30 years screwing you again and again? Or, would you take a chance?

Every now and then the know-it-all kid was right. But, sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes, it’s not just about being right. Sometimes you have to listen to people you don’t agree with. I reckon that’s about all I have to say on the subject.

This Fucking Shit (AKA James Ward is an idiot)

Ok, I had about half a page of what I'd like to think were witty comparisons between the United States and Australia. I even sprinkled in some acknowledgement that Australia isn't all that bad of a place. In fact, it's a pretty easy argument to make that I'd be much worse off if I had stayed in America. The whole thing was supposed to smoothly transition into some commentary on what I see as the entrenched nanny-state mentality over here, and the fact that it's (for the most part) wholeheartedly supported by the locals. Then, I was going to segue into how an article that I read this morning was a prime example of my point.

But I've got to be honest, that was all just some fluff that I felt like I needed in order to justify where I was going with this post. Then I remembered it's my small corner of the internet. I don't need to justify shit. So, I'll cut to the chase. James Ward is an idiot and I hope no one takes his 'ideas' seriously.

Read this article and come back, if you can be bothered. I'll try to have some fun with this.

Ok, so here's the thing. Right out of the gate I've got to say that you can't spew a load of horseshit only to try to wiggle out of it by tossing out some nonsense about how the whole thing is "a little bit tongue-in-cheek." This wanker was sitting around one day mentally stroking himself until what he thought was a 'brave' idea spurted out onto his computer screen. Then, in an act of true courage he's added a little 'get out of jail free' clause at the end of the article. That way if anyone complains he can always say something along the lines of "come on guys and gals, I was just joking. But, road safety is a serious issue and we should all do our part." Or some equally wishy-washy garbage that would allow him to pretend he wasn't REALLY advocating for yet another way to fine people to death. It's the classic "I was just trying to make a point" excuse. Somewhere Jonathan Swift is not amused by such bullshit.

So, I'm going to disregard the lame cop-out at the end of James' 'article' and respond to the fact that I think the little weasel actually meant everything he said up to that point. If you couldn't make it through the whole thing, it can be best summed up by saying that he reckons people should be fined for not pulling away quickly enough from a light which has turned green. How does he propose to accomplish this? With green light cameras, of course. Like there aren't enough cameras and fines waiting around every corner over here.

Guess what, it's a pretty safe bet that some of those people he rails against who are "staring off vacantly into the distance" are just trying to lose themselves in a few extra seconds of imagination while they're driving away from a home life they can't stand towards a job they hate. This notion that absolutely every second of every day has to be spent working towards some meaningful pursuit in the most efficient way possible is precisely why so many people are fucking miserable. Then this jerk comes along and says you're a threat to public safety if you don't sprint off of a green light like you're drag-racing for pink slips. That's just what an already over-worked, over-stressed and over-medicated populace needs, one more thing to worry about!

Studies have already shown that red light cameras do nothing to improve safety. Why would this 'brave' idea of adding green light cameras be any different? It's already to the point that people will either slam on their brakes or speed up in order to try and avoid running a red light with a camera. Now, imagine you've got a camera on the other side of the road keeping tabs on whether or not you're leaving a light fast enough to suit this BMW promoting jackass. You already know what will happen. Panicked Driver #1 times it wrong and speeds through a red light while Panicked Driver #2 takes off from their green light like a shot because they're worried about getting a fine. They meet somewhere in the middle and then the BMW promoting jackass has to wait even longer while the wreckage is cleared from the intersection.

The reason why people drive badly has little do with the drivers. I honestly believe that it's the cars. Dipshits make a living out of promoting cars that damn near drive themselves. Then we're supposed to act surprised when people get distracted while driving these islands on wheels and run over a nun who is carrying a baby. If your car can stop on a dime, all of a sudden you don't worry about riding someone's ass anymore. If your car has full surround sound stereo and climate control, you're less inclined to know what's going on around you because you're encased in your own little world.

Hell, let's just run down some specs from the last car this super douche was touting:

• Auto Climate Control with Dual Temp Zones
• Heated Front Seats
• Adaptive Drive
• Electronic Brake Force Distribution
• Hill Holder
• Traction Control System
• Cruise Control
• Head Up Display
• Multi Function Steering Wheel
• Mobile Phone Connectivity
• Parking Distance Control Rear
• Power Steering
• Reversing Camera
• Voice Recognition System
• Sound System with 12 Speakers
• Television
• Active Steering

Seriously, look at all that shit and tell me that's a car someone is going to be able to drive without getting distracted or bored. It's fine though, because Mr. Ward is here to tell you that if you're dumb enough to take his advice and spend over $200k on a car then you're also opening yourself up to having him call you a safety risk when said car lulls you into a false sense of security and you zone out at the wheel. It's complete hypocritical nonsense.

Lately I've been using a somewhat large and unwieldy piece of American Iron as my daily driver, and I honestly think it's made me a better driver. If you're cruising down the road in a 3/4 ton pickup with no power steering and no power brakes (drums all around) it forces you to pay attention to what's going on around you. Every stoplight becomes a "will I or won't I" calculation based on how far away you are and what the traffic around you is doing. Every lane change is a study in patience and caution. I'm not saying this because I think everyone should go out and get behind the wheel of something that was obsolete before I was born (truth be told, sometimes I question my intelligence at having decided to drive such a beast.) I just think the world would be much better off if impatient, holier than thou little twerps would stop looking for new and creative ways to cram their "lead follow or get out of the way" suburbanite, yuppie agendas down the throats of people who just want to get from point A to B without having to worry if the prick behind them is going to get upset because they've been inconvenienced by a few seconds.

You know the one thing I really struggle with when I'm out and about in the relic? It's not the lack of AC or power windows. I couldn't give less of a damn about the fact that my truck doesn't have "Parking Distance Control" (whatever that is) or "Active Steering" (again, WTF?). No, what chaps my ass is nitwits like James Freaking Ward who ride up too close behind me because I'm not going fast enough for their liking. Or folks that can't seem to grasp the concept that their 20lb Getz is probably going to pull away from a traffic light with a bit more pep than what I've got. These are the types of people who can say things like "every time you step into a car, bring your A-game." with a straight face. Like it's some kind of competition that they're wining simply because they've got a set of polished veneers sparkling back at them from the vanity mirror of their proxy dick on wheels.

Get fucked dude. I'm just trying to get to work. And, I'd like to be able to do it without having to worry about whether or not some smarmy little male menopause suffering soccer-dad behind me is busy having a shit-fit all over their 'Sumptuous $3200 Exclusive Nappa leather' seats simply because I might actually be taking the time to enjoy the drive.

I care not for your 'busy' schedule

The End of the Whole Mess

After an election season that has me wondering if Stephen King can see the future, we're finally nearing the end of this madness. By this point, the outcome of the election is pretty much baked in one way or the other. So, i'm not going to get too far into the weeds as far as the candidates themselves are concerned. Regardless of who is elected, I'm worried the wrong lessons are going to be learned.

We'll start with what I'm told is the most likely outcome. If Hillary Clinton is elected President, I think there's a very real possibility that a faction of the Republican party is going to splinter off into a third party. What that could look like is anyone's guess. But personally, I think the modern day version of the Rockefeller Republicans is going to be in search of a home. The problem is that there's no one that I can see who might be a standard-bearer for for such a thing. Evan McMullin doesn't have it in him, Jeb! has the charisma of Eeyore on a bad day, Romney is done, Rubio doesn't have the balls and Cruz whiffed on his one shot at displaying something resembling honor. So, it'll be interesting to see who fills the void.

Even if I'm wrong about an official split, or which side of the split ends up being the one to walk, one thing is for certain, the Republican party is going to be a mess for quite some time. While they get their shit together, there's going to be an opportunity for the Democratic party to decide what direction they want to take the country, and who they're going to bring along for the ride. My concern is that they're going to look at the demographics and come to the conclusion that they don't even need to pretend to give a damn about poor and working class white voters. There's already some sign of this in the way that many liberal voters view Trump supporters. For many liberals, it hasn't been enough to simply say that their candidate is more qualified or that their ideas are better. Instead, they've effectively written off at least 40% of the electorate as being racist, sexist, illiterate rednecks. Don't get me wrong, racism and sexism is a very real problem in the Davd Duke wing of the party. But, there are going to be a lot of reasonable and decent people who will end up voting for Trump. These are people who spent their whole lives hearing about how once upon a time you could raise a family pumping gas or driving a bus. They've worked hard, played by the rules and done their best. And yet, that hasn't been enough. Maybe they're saddled with college debt and they can't find a job. Or, college was dream that never materialized and now they're grinding away at some shitty minimum wage job with no end in sight. They've been sold a bill of goods by both parties for decades and they're tired of being screwed over. So yea, they'll vote for someone like Trump, because that's the only way they can express their rage and frustration. When he says "what in the hell do you have to lose?" they look around at their lives and come to the saddest conclusion possible, "nothing". So, if burning it all down is their only chance to get someone to pay attention, they're going to do it, and I don't know if I have it in my heart to blame them. What worries me is that if Hillary wins, the Democrats are going to decide once and for all that they don't need to even pretend that they care about the very real issues that these people have. In fact, it's already started. When was the last time a Democrat made a serious play in a state like Mississippi or Kentucky? Hell, let's get a bit more granular about this. For all the talk of North Carolina being a 'battleground', take a look at the county results from 2008. With only a couple exceptions, the Democrats ceded the whole western part of the state. Frankly, if you're a rural white voter, the Democrats haven't given a shit about your vote since Bill Clinton was President. I think that's a mistake and I'm worried that if Hillary Clinton wins I think it's a mistake they're going to double down on.

Now, lets look on the other side of the equation. What if Trump wins? Honestly, this is the only election that has frightened me. As a political junkie, his campaign has been fascinating to watch. But, as a person, I'm terrified by what it would mean if he wins, and I'm saddened by the fact that there's so much anger and frustration in the country that there's even a possibility that he could get his tiny hands on the nuclear codes.
My biggest worry with Trump is that the very people who the Democrats have turned their backs on have chosen a saviour that gives precisely zero fucks about them. I'm amazed at how well a New York billionaire has managed to repackage himself as some kind of a populist superhero. But, he's pulled it off. If Trump wins, what do you think tomorrow is going to look like?

Personally, I think he's going to weaponize the rage of his supporters and use it against anyone who has slighted him in some real or imagined way. He's already flirted with this at his rallies in terms of aiming crowds of people at protesters and the media like they're a giant loaded gun that he can pull the trigger on anytime he wants. Imagine that on a national scale. I have a great deal of sympathy for the folks that feel like the 'new economy' is a sham. But, is that really what we want? Is that who we are?

Regardless of the outcome, I think something of a reckoning is on the horizon. I just can't imagine how things can function as they should when the nation is so polarized. Unfortunately, I can't see anything in this election that's going to make a positive difference. If anything, there's every chance it's going to be much worse in the near future.

Anyway, I have scotch to drink and the potential end of the world to ponder. So, I'm out!

Slightly Twisted

Ever since Sophia's Gourmet closed, my wife and I have struggled to find a good weekend breakfast spot that's close to home. The food there was wonderful and the service was really something special.

I'm disappointed to say that after a visit to "Slightly Twisted", we're still looking. 

I'll keep this short, because to be honest there's not much that I think I could say about the place that isn't going to sound like piling on. I know that people want to tell themselves that they really love going to that trendy little gift shop around the corner that sells delightfully ironic toasted sandwiches alongside uber-fancy, sustainably sourced, slow roasted, cold filtered mugs full of pretentious awesomeness that started life buried in the feces of a rodent. 

The truth is, if anyone says they like that sort of thing what they really mean is they like being seen in and around such places because it fits with the carefully cultivated image that they've spent countless years building for themselves. These are the same types of people that own lycra, go to "the salon" and foist their annoying little ill-tempered monsters, who can do no wrong, upon the world. Whether I'm referring to the obnoxious accessories that they pawn off as children, or the furrier and only slightly yappier 4 legged versions that they cram into their handbags, the story remains the same.

If this seems like a slightly long-winded windup, stay with me, because I promise there's a point. 

Either you're a quirky gift shop or you're there to sell food. Pick one. If the meal we received was any indication, you're better off picking the former over the latter.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm probably not the target demographic for places like this. But, with a working set of taste buds and an appreciation for the fact that money is a finite resource, I feel like I'm reasonably qualified to have an opinion on the subject.

On the day, we ordered the following:

1 ham, cheese and tomato jaffle.

1 mocha iced coffee

1 ginger and lemongrass "tea"

1 chicken quesadilla with "salsa"

$29.50 later, what we received was a soggy jaffle, a quesadilla that was about as Mexican as I am, a barely passable iced coffee loaded with aerosol "cream" and a glass of ice water that might've had a photo of some ginger held up next to it at some point, such was the amount of flavour that it contained. 

Tea?

More offensive than Speedy Gonzales

The issue for me isn't that the menu was simple. Simple that's done well is a wonderful thing. No, the issue for me is that there wasn't anything on the table that made me think someone involved in the process actually gave a rat's ass. If you're fortunate enough to work with food for a living, then your customers shouldn't receive something that looks like it was thrown together by a middle aged, inebriated house-wife whose main concern is cramming something in her children's mouths so that they shut up long enough for Desperate Housewives to finish.
If it's specifics that you're after, here they are.

The sauce in the "quesadilla" tasted like someone got Italian pasta sauce from a jar confused with salsa.

Based on the sogginess of the jaffle, I can only assume it was put together well prior to going into the jaffle-maker. That means on the one hand someone was too lazy to cut some tomatoes to order, but on the other I'm supposed to think they actually enjoy what they're dong?

The iced coffee was ok. Next time though, don't bother with whipped cream if it's going to come out of a can.

The tea was a joke. Basically, we were charged like $6.50 for a glass of ice water.

Overall, I've had better food at a petrol station.

Anyone who has bothered to read my corner of the internet knows that I don't have any kind of a scoring system. Generally, either I like a place or I don't. This place has inspired me though.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I give Slightly Twisted a 2. That puts it right smack in the middle of "I'm not going to work tomorrow." and "Meh. I've had worse." 

Don't waste your taste buds or your money in places like this.

Gypsies Wagon

The Rambling

This will be the first food related post that I've made in awhile. If I'm being honest, and I do try to be, this will be the first anything related post that I've made for awhile. I'd like to say that it's because I've been far too busy chasing my dreams and getting shit done. But, I'd also like to say that the myth about guys with big feet is in fact, factual.

We don't always get what we want. 

Perhaps at a more suitable time (IE when I feel like it) I'll get around to dithering on about some of the reasons why my brain basket hasn't been real quick on the uptake lately. Until then, I suggest we get one with the show.

So, as the title would suggest, the subject of today/tonight's ramblings is "The Gypsies Wagon Diner and Bar." My wife and I stumbled on the Wagon (who am I kidding, I've never spent a day on the wagon in my life) purely because we saw it across the street from "Grub Street" (another excellent breakfast option [spoiler? yea, too late]) out in Gaythorne. 

We were a little confused as to whether or not the neighboring shop-front, The Hansell and Gretel Cafe, was part of the same establishment (this might have something to do with the fact that we were both suffering from Sunday morning hunger brain). Actually, come to think of it I still don't really understand why there's two names for what I think is the same place. Either way, one of the helpful staff was kind enough to point us in the right direction. 

The first thing we noticed once we were inside is that it's got a laid back, funky vibe to it. The only way that I know to say it is that nothing really matches but everything goes together. Also, while we've not experienced a night-time session at the Wagon just yet (one of the things I'm noticing as I get older is that nigh-time sessions are hard work), it definitely looks like the kind of place where you could kick back and have a couple of drinks without feeling like you're on display.

Anyway, enough procrastinating. Things like quirky decor and excellent service can only get you so far. Bring on the food!

The Food

Funny thing about this blogging crap. A couple of hours ago I realized that I've yet to upload the more recent photos from my phone to the cloud (side note, just saying "the cloud" makes me want to punch myself in the throat. It's almost as bad as "synergy"). So, while that little problem was sorting itself out, I took a break from this to finish the giant(ish) re-imagining of fairy bread that I'm putting together for tomorrow. That's either a shameless plug for something that I'm hoping to post some photos of within the next couple of days, or it's a deep reflection on the fact that time has no real meaning in this little world that I'm venting into. Take your pick.

The first time my wife and I frequented the Wagon, we were a bit greedy and ordered with our eyes instead of our stomachs. I guess if you go somewhere while you're hungry and there's loads of interesting options, you end up taking the Buddhist "Make me one with everything" approach. 

For those folks who are only just joining our semi-regularly scheduled program, terrible puns come with the territory. You get used to it or you get gone (hopefully to something more interesting, like watching flies fornicate).

So, the first time we found ourselves in the wagon, I ordered the "Steak and Philly", my wife ordered a "Bubble & Squeak" and we thought 'meh, we're hungry. We may as well get a "Chili Cheese Fries" to share.'

BTW, my inner 6 year old can't help but think of this when someone says "Bubble & Squeak." Feel free to let your thinking muscles work out on that one while you finish reading this. That's assuming of course that you actually do finish reading this.

Thy Name is Excess

I'll be honest, when I read the menu I thought I was going to get a Philly Cheesesteak. Clearly that's not what came out. Apparently, they take the "Philly Cheese" part quite literally (think cream cheese.) The good news is that even though the burger that came out wasn't what I expected, it was delicious.
The braised steak was soft and juicy and the hot n' spicy sauce that was slathered on my meat was awesome..... slathered I tell you. Now I'm left wondering why it is that describing good food always sound so sexual.... Moving on!

The provolone smothered, brisket covered loaded fries were everything a person could want in a meal that's going to leave you feeling like a pig afterwards. They were an excellent mix of crispy, well seasoned potato and gluttony inducing cheesy, slow-cooked goodness.

Also for the record, referring to the fries as a "meal" rather than a "side" wasn't a mistake. The portion size was large enough that anything else would be overkill for someone not looking to eat themselves into an early grave.

For our second visit, we were a bit more strategic in our ordering.  My wife opted for what I think was called "The Matador", we got a bowl of un-loaded chips to share and I went for the cheeseburger with bacon and sriracha ranch dressing.

Who is photobombing who?

The couple of bites that I had of the Matador were definitely tasty, in a totally non-cannibalistic kind of way of course. The meatballs were nice and soft (no-one wants rock hard balls) and the sauce was loaded with tomato flavour. That being said, I had my own meal to focus on, and there was a decent heaping of chips between us to add to the distraction. Consequently, I don't think it would be fair for me to offer up much of an opinion one way or the other on this one. I reckon you'll just have to take a look at the picture and make up your own mind as to what you think.

As was the case the last time around, the chips were crisp and well seasoned. I almost didn't regret the fact that we went for the un-loaded variety. My arteries were probably grateful for the change of pace. But seriously, what have they ever done for me?

Behold! In all its glory! 

This brings me to the cheeseburger, aka "The Main Event." For a bit of context, in my opinion you can't get much better than a good burger. The catch is that most of the time what you get when you go out isn't nearly as good as what you can make yourself. This is particularly true if you're in the mood for a tasty, no-frills, char-grilled goodness. Invariably you'll get something where the bun is massive and way too crunchy. Or, the patty has the consistency of a brick and it's loaded with all kinds of god-awful things that have no business being on a hamburger (I'm looking at you pineapple and beetroot). I'm not the most well traveled person in the word, but I've had a bit of meat in my mouth over the years (and my jokes are as subtle as Donald Trump on meth). I can honestly say that a burger at the Wagon rates up there with the best that I've found in Brisbane. I'd happily put it up against a burger from Ben's Burgers, Hudson's Corner or the South Side Diner (all of which are awesome as well btw). The bun was soft and squishy without being too fragile, the sriracha ranch was delicious and the smokiness of the bacon and the cheese was an excellent foil for the crisp bit of cos that brought the whole thing together. Last but certainly not least, the meat wasn't cooked within an inch of it's freaking life (a pet hatred of mine). It was nice and charred on the outside, but pink and juicy on the inside (remember what I said before about food always sounding sexual???) Overall, it really was one of the tastiest burgers that I've had in awhile.

The Verdict

I don't have a scoring system for things like this. If we were talking movies, it would be "The Happening Scale of Craptitude." Until I come up with something palatable and easily digestible (you know that wasn't a mistake), all I can say is the Wagon is well worth a visit. The food is excellent, the staff are friendly as hell and the menu won't leave you bored. The next time you find yourself having the "I dunno, what do you want for breakfast/lunch?" conversation, give these folks a go. You won't be disappointed.

The Nation We Deserve

I'd prefer to be writing about something else. In-lieu of that, I'm supposed to be getting some work done. Unfortunately, things have a way of bouncing around in my head in such a way that they don't leave a whole lot of room for much else. My brain becomes a hostage taker, and productivity is the closest victim at hand. So, I guess I'm left with a choice. I can either let my brain shoot the hostage, or I can give it half a dozen pizzas, a fuelled up helicopter and a clear flight path to Mexico. Just for the hell of it, I'm going to go with the latter.

As an unabashed American living abroad, it stands to reason that I've found myself in quite a few conversations that revolve around the same basic premise: "Why is/are America/Americans so [insert stereotype here]?"

Generally, the response to such questions can be broken down into a couple of points:

1. America is a big and complicated place. Often times the picture that is presented to the outside world is either unfair or lacking in appropriate context.
2. Yes, that [insert stereotype here] really is a problem. But overall, progress is being made. Also, most nations suffer from similar issues. In many cases, these issues aren't any worse in America than they are anywhere else.
3. Is the States dealing with these problems in a way that's better than everywhere else in the world? No. But, for the most part the collective intentions of my people are noble, even when they're misguided.

Don't get me wrong, I can be incredibly critical of my homeland, particularly when it comes to our apparent inability to confront any of the pressing issues of the moment. I just think that if a person starts from the premise that the United States is the worst country in the world. Period. Ever. Period. That person can do with a slap to the head. We're responsible for B.B. King, Bruce Springsteen, Hemingway, Martin Luther King and BBQ the way it's supposed to be done. Clearly there's some bright spots here and there.

Lately though, things have taken a turn that can be described as both "interesting" and "dark." I am of course referring to the candidacy of one Donald Trump, and all that his continuing success represents.

First thing's first, for anyone who thinks that his candidacy and the ideas that it promotes are unprecedented, please know that you are wrong. Whether we want to admit it or not, America was built on the idea of marginalization based on race, religion and gender. One need look no farther than the first lines of Article 1 - Section 2 - Clause 3 of our founding document to see that (emphasis mine).

Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons

Within a few lines of text, we have an acknowledgement of the fact that slaves are a thing, Indians are worthless and providing representation based on someone being worth three fifths the value of their owners is just peachy. In fact, the United States has a long history of struggling to reconcile the concept of "We the People" with the simple reality that time and again our actions have not lived up to our ideals. Whether it's the "Trail of Tears", slavery, internment camps, the resistance to women's suffrage, Jim Crow, warrantless wiretaps, or any number of readily available examples, it would be impossible to say that somehow Trump's success represents the darkest moment in American history. It would be equally impossible to say that his "ideas" are beyond the scope of anything that we've considered or implemented previously.

There is historical context for almost everything Donald Trump is proposing. Frankly, we've been here before. Deportation of Hispanics? Done. Refusing to allow desperate refugees into the country? You bet. By the way, these weren't just any refugees. They were Jews. You know, the folks we really care about. Don't worry though 75% of them didn't die in German concentration camps! Now, where was I? Ah yes, rounding up U.S. citizens and imprisoning them for the crime of being insufficiently awesome? Why not? Honestly, the list goes on and on. It's for this reason that I find his candidacy interesting. I can't help but wonder if we really haven't learned from our recent past.

However, when I ask myself "are we really doing this?", that's the point where the line between "interesting" and "dark" starts to blur. It's one thing to engage in esoteric debates with political junkies about where we're going as a people and how we've gotten here. It's another to find yourself looking back on history and wondering "is this how it starts?"

I want to be clear, I am still reasonably confident (honestly, I'm about 50/50) that this time next year the idea of a world in which Donald Trump as president will be as ludicrous as it seemed to most people a few short months ago. I say "to most", because I recall watching live the now infamous "Mexicans are rapists" speech and commenting to my wife that Trump was going to do much better than the mainstream pundits were predicting. However, I digress.

The problem is that even if he fails in his bid for the Republican nomination, that doesn't change the fact that as of today, a man who espouses beliefs which we're told are anathema to a free society is currently the favoured candidate for over 35% of a major political party in a nation of over 300 million people.

If the polling is to be believed (and at this point there's no reason to think it's false), his campaign is indeed built upon the backs of whites who are also poor and uneducated. Consequently, it would be easy to dismiss Trump's supporters as mindless bigots who haven't met a fact that they aren't afraid of. I think that's an overly simplistic explanation though.

Regardless of party affiliation, there is one unifying factor in American politics at the moment. "We the People" are pissed off, and for good reason.

For decades, the notion of a strong middle class has been the basis upon which just about every national politician has built their campaign. They [the politicians] haven't delivered. Not only that, but it's now becoming apparent that the concept of upwards-mobility, something which has such a revered place in American culture that it's almost a religion, is complete bullshit. In the immortal words of George Carlin, "there's a club, and you ain't in it."

That brings me to the appeal of a guy like Donald Trump. If you've spent most of your life getting squeezed by a system that doesn't give a shit about you, then of course you're going to be receptive to someone who has a message that boils down to "it's their fault, not yours". It's an easy message to accept, because it requires no self reflection upon the part of the recipient. It also doesn't require that you do anything, other than vote for the guy with the magic wand. While I'm sure this isn't a comparison most folks will agree with, it actually reminds me of the prevailing winds which were blowing during the 2008 election when a certain junior Senator from Illinois was suggesting that his presidency would be a turning point that would halt the rise of the oceans.

The problem with this idea, beyond the fact that it's completely illogical, is that it opens the door to a style of politics that I call "just a bit more." This is the point where people decide that if they sacrifice "just a bit more" of their beliefs and ideals, everything will work out in the end. The knight in shining armour will fix everything. "If we just stop the Mexicans, I'll keep my job." "If we keep the immigrants out, I'll be safer." "If we round up the ones that are already here, well that just makes sense, doesn't it?" "Well, we can't let them back out, it's just not worth the risk."

My question is this, at what point do we go so far that we can't come back again?

I don't think we're there, yet. Then again, maybe it's one of those things where by the time you realize it, the time to change course has already passed you by. 

We've already come to a place where I'm saddened by the injustices that we're willing to tolerate, all for the illusion of personal safety and economic security. The fact that a person can be taken even remotely seriously as a presidential candidate while calling for policies that stand against everything I'm told we hold dear, that's just icing on the cake.

Here's hoping we get our heads out of our asses.

Not All Police

I've not posted anything in awhile. If I'm being brutally honest, it's because I haven't really felt like it lately. But, life moves on and we either move with it or we get left behind.

I wish I could say this was going to be food orientated, but unfortunately that's not the case. Although, I did recently participate in the audition process for a rather popular cooking show. That's a better story that I'll save for another day.

Instead, tonight I want to have a vent about a particular trend I've noticed that's driving me a little crazy. For those of you that haven't been living in a cave, there's been some.... shall we say "unrest" in relation to modern day policing tactics.

See what I did there? I was diplomatic. That's a thing I'm capable of. I could've said "police keep executing people on camera", but I didn't want to start things off on the wrong foot.

Anyway, as I was saying, things are a bit touchy lately when it comes to the subject of law enforcement. This has resulted in an increase in what I'm going to call "Not all Police" bullshit. Long story short, I've noticed that there's been a tendency lately for some folks to put forward stories like this one as some kind of proof that this whole thing is being blown waaaaay out of proportion, and that we should all get down on bended knee and kiss the very ground that every member of law enforcement walks upon. If you didn't bother to click the link to the video, I'll break it down for you. A woman gets pulled over for breaking the law, she behaves like a bitch and the cop doesn't beat the shit out of her. Yes, that's it, that's the whole thing. Do I think the woman behaved appropriately? No. But, do I feel the need to praise the officer's calm and rational handling of the situation? No. Why? Because that's his fucking job. If the fact that a cop DOESN'T beat, mace, strangle or shoot someone is newsworthy, then I think MAYBE that's part of the problem.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to sit here and say that the job of a police officer is easy. But, that's kindof the point. I've said "job" for a reason. This is something they get paid to do. Cheering a traffic stop that doesn't end in violence is like giving a round of applause for everyone who has ever worked in customer service without punching someone in the face. It's literally the bare minimum. If you're someone that feels the need to be a cheerleader for the cops who somehow manage to make it through a shift without murdering someone, then you're actually part of the problem. I mean seriously, what's the alternative? Do you want to start handing out medals every time an arrest is made without someone getting the shit beaten out of them for no good reason?

So, for all of the cops out there that are doing a good job, keep being awesome I guess? But, can those of you who think it's your job to remind us all how not EVERY cop is a racist, paranoid, murdering piece of shit just shut the fuck up? The adults need to talk and your opinion isn't helping.

Carolina Kitchen - A Totally Biased and Unfair Review

Anyone unfortunate enough to spend more than 30 seconds in conversation with me will walk away knowing 3 things.

1. I was born in the States
2. I grew up in the mountains of Western North Carolina
3. Everything is better there. Except maybe this. Seriously guys. WTF.
4. Southern food is awesome.*

*it's my blog, I'll count badly if I want to

"What is it about Southern food that's so awesome?" I don't hear you asking? It's the fact that Southern food is honest, humble and completely lacking in pretension.  No one is going to give a shit if the primary and secondary ingredients in a recipe are lard and more lard. What matters is that the end result is tasty and worth coming home to. 

Since moving to Australia I've struggled to recreate the dishes of my past. Collards become Kale, grits are rationed out like gold and Crisco is nonexistent. Because of this, I'm always excited when a local eatery claims to have the goods. That's why I've been looking forward to checking out Carolina Kitchen for some time now. However, either because of the distance (it's an hour long round trip) or my fear of being disappointed (it has Carolina in the name. That raises the bar), I've only just gotten around to it. 

With nothing much on the cards for a Saturday afternoon, my wife and I decided that the time had come. So, after half an hour or so in the car, and a slight diversion to an ATM (CK's was down), we found ourselves standing in front of a nondescript building claiming to be the home of excellent ribs, wings and burgers. Their sign also mentioned hoagies, but who wants a sandwich when ribs are on offer? 

My first thoughts on walking in were that someone needed to inform the decorator that you can't just throw a bunch of Americana into a room and call it a day. That being said, it did make me wonder if you could actually get away with putting a penciled drawing of Malcolm X on the wall of a restaurant in the South (sporting a star and crescent ring no less). Quirky, that's the only word I can think of to describe the inside. When it comes right down to it though, I don't care if the place looks like a bomb crater, I'll keep coming back if the food is good. 

The menu though, that had me pretty excited. As this was our first time, we felt like pigging out wasn't only justified, it was damn near mandatory. So, one order of  the following and we were ready to get to it:

• 1 Chilli Dog 
• 1 Cheeseburger
• 1 Regular Ribs
• 6 Buffalo Wings (hot of course)
• 1 New York Fries
• 1 Corn Bread 
• 1 Fanta (orange) and 1 Dr. Pepper (cherry)

There wasn't much seating room inside, and the table out the front was taken, so we made our way around the side of the building where they've got some tables setup beneath a "temporary" canvas shelter. Like I said before, I'm not overly picky about aesthetics. But if I was them I'd try to do something about the rubbish bins from the units next door. Even from the table the farthest away, you couldn't help but catch a whiff of them from time to time. I can't help but think that a bit of a refurb wouldn't go unappreciated. 

Fortunately it wasn't long before the fries arrived. Partly because the smell was more than enough to overpower the occasional odour from the previously mentioned bins, but mostly because they were pretty damn tasty. The amount of seasoning was perfect and the fries hadn't gone soggy (as is often the case when people try to put a topping on fried food). The only criticism I could make is that personally I would've popped it under the grill for a bit before adding the sauce and sour cream. This would brown the cheese a bit and give it some more flavour. Beyond that, they were excellent, definitely the kind of thing that you could eat way too much of. We had just about managed to polish these off when the next round came out.

Exhibit A in the case of my expanding waistline

The burger.... I'm not too sure about this one. It was exactly what the menu said it would be, and I can't deny that it was good eating, it just didn't quite do it for me. Firstly I didn't pick up a hit of flame grilled char. If it was there it was drowned out by the excessive amount of mustard. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a big fan of American mustard. But it shouldn't be the primary flavour on a burger. As an actor it doesn't get top billing. The flip side is that it comes with a decent chilli sauce. Also, it was nice getting a basic cheeseburger without having to spell it out for the person behind the counter. I didn't have to go through my usual litany of "No lettuce. No... no tomato either. No I don't want egg. It's noon dude. We're way passed breakfast. Pineapple? Why? DAMNIT I SAID NO EGG! DROP THE FUCKING BEETROOT!"

I got somewhat overzealous

Few things are as polarizing as wings. To fry or not to fry? How much sauce? How thick should it be? These are all important questions and anyone who has made their own wings will give you a different answer. I'm hesitant to say that any of them are wrong. But that doesn't stop me from having my own personal preference. To me, wings should be crispy. They should be the kind of crispy that you're just not going to get from baking them. Also, the sauce should be thin enough to toss the wings through. What we got was pretty much the opposite of that. They were good, but by this point I was starting to wonder if CK uses the same tomato based sauce for everything. On top of that the vinegar tang makes me think they must use alot of plain Tabasco to try and split the difference between "plain" and "hot". There comes a point where nomatter how much Tabasco you pour on something, it's not going to get any hotter. Most of this can be chalked up to just not being my particular style, so that's ok. The blue cheese dip though? We've got to talk about that. The whole point of the dip is that it cuts through the spicy/vinegariness of the wings. It can't do that without a sufficient amount of blue cheese. Even if the wings aren't overly hot, the dip should have enough blue-cheese in it to make you sit up and take notice. Unfortunately, what we got had a sickly sweetness to it that was much to similar to the wings themselves. So what you end up getting is an overload of the same flavours.

Wings - The struggle is real

By this point I was starting to wonder if maybe we had gone a bit too far with our ordering. Did we have to get the fries and the wings as well as a burger and chilli dog? How long would it be until my stomach starting saying "Dude, just eat a salad once in awhile. Please?"

If it seems like I've skipped something, that's because I have. Unfortunately I neglected to get a picture of Jaclyn's chilli dog. She tells me it was pretty good. It certainly looked the part. The best thing is that is they didn't try to fancy up the bun. It was proper cheap white bread. Nothing works better for a chilli dog.  Now the cornbread...... I really can't bring myself to say I liked it. They get credit for trying (there aren't many places over here that have cornbread on the menu), but for me it was just wrong.  It was far too sweet and it had a cake like consistency instead of the buttery/crumbly goodness that I was hoping for. I think they could use some coarser meal added to the mix. Also, judging by the lack of crust on the edges, I can't imagine they're cooking it in cast iron. I'm a picky man when it comes to cornbread though. I'm probably not being fair though, because to me anything that isn't skillet cornbread isn't worth making.

That brings me to the part I was looking forward to the most. The ribs. Whether you like your ribs dry or saucy, sweet or spicy, everyone knows a good rib needs to be falling off the bone. In that regard, these were faultless. As far as taste goes, I tend to make mine with a bit more of a kick, and a bit more of smoky/charred goodness would go a long way. But these really were the closest thing I've had to Southern ribs since I left those mountains I'm always bragging on. They're definitely worth the trip.

The Main Event

Overall, I'm really glad that we finally got around to going. I know that some folks would be put off by the location and the general state of the place. But those same people wouldn't appreciate the kind of food on offer no matter what you did. Is it a bit cramped? Yes. Could the seating areas do with a bit of TLC? No doubt. But the whole point of this kind of food is it tastes good anywhere. If you've got rib sauce running down your arms you're not going to notice the fact that the table is a bit wobbly.

The results speak for themselves

Have I Missed Something?

As I’m sure the teeming hordes have noticed (because truly, there are so many people clamouring to read this nonsense), my little corner of the world hasn’t been updated in quite some time. It would be nice to say that I’ve been spending my time following some noble pursuit. However, the truth is I’ve been too busy getting up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep, only to start the whole thing over again the next day. Rinse and repeat a few times and suddenly it’s the weekend.  That’s when the real fun starts, because you’ve only got a couple of days to pretend to have a life of your own before the whole cycle starts again. With a schedule like that, who has time for giving a shit about anyone other than me and mine? Actually, that’s not entirely true. Somehow I’ve managed to find the time to keep up with the very important news of the day. Deflate Gate? I’m there. Sherlock Holmes is unable to deduce that he can’t say “coloured” because he’s not these guys? Sign me up for the outrage! Overly simplistic hero worship contrasted with prickish nonsense whose sole purpose is to get attention? Bring on the drama motherfucker! I mean yea, I could be spending my time pretending to care about poor people, like this guy, but that requires a lot of work (and apparently a fuck ton of money); and frankly, I just don’t have time for anything that requires work.This should come as no surprise to those of you who know that I work in an office for a living, but that’s a rant for another day. My point is that my life revolves so much around my job that it’s easy to forget that there are real problems in the world. In fact, some of them are even worth caring about. I’m not really all that worried though, because I know when the shit goes down I can always count on those in power to do the right thing. Until then, I’ll just try to take comfort in the fact that there’s still some goodness in the world.

As an added bonus, here’s a recipe for some awesome dip. It’s also great with a curry, or as a condiment on a burger. Seriously, coprophilia has nothing on this shit.
1kg (2.2 lbs) of Greek Yogurt - Pretend you’re Sir Mix-a-lot… the thicker the better
1 bunch of Coriander/Cilantro - Or make some dill have a threesome with a lemon and some rocket and wait awhile… Alternatively, pull a Cosby and wait for them to go to sleep.
4 spring onions - Don’t be racist, use both the white and non-white portions.
2 cloves of garlic – Perfect for that special someone in your life.
A few sprigs of mint – Because you’ll never be as cool as this guy.
1 Habanero – You can never be too hard on an asshole.
Salt to taste – Half a teaspoon or so….. this is no joke. USE ENOUGH SALT.
I would add some instructions, but they would consist of “pick the leaves, chop everything like you’ve got some common sense, throw in some salt like a boss and mix” so what’s the point?

The United States of Pants Wetters

Whatever happened to "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself?". 

Apparently the list of things that we're supposed to be wetting our pants about is as follows: ISIS, Ebola, Khorasan, Al-qaeda, Mexicans, black people (especially if they're wearing a hoodie), brown people, young people, old people and last but certainly not least, gay people. Have I missed anything? Probably, it's hard to keep up. All I know is that lately I can't escape the feeling that my country and its people are completely and utterly full of shit. Seriously. Is the US the greatest nation that ever was and ever will be? Or is it under constant threat of hyperventilating at the sight of its own shadow? You can't have both. If a nation spends over a TRILLION dollars a year on defence and yet still doesn't feel safe, I think we can safely say there's a problem. Frankly, you've lost your fucking minds. There isn't enough military might in the world to fix the problem, because the problem isn't real. 

Actually, I'll take some part of that back. There is a problem. You, the people, are the problem. Grow a pair already. 

Are you scared of getting Ebola? Well guess what? You're not going to get Ebola. You just aren't, it's as simple as that. You've got a better chance of choking to death on a fucking cheesy poof or a pretzel (just ask George Bush). 

Does the thought of terrorists keep you up at night? Guess what? You're an idiot. The odds are more in your favour of being killed by lightening than by a terrorist. That's not hyperbole. Where's the panic? Where's the congressional hearings on Zeus and his "network of death"? Why aren't Steve King and Ted "won't someone please notice me" Cruz jumping up and down about this clear and present danger??? 

We're so caught up in our little fad phobias and fears because deep down inside we know they aren't real. Because if they were, we might have to actually face them. God forbid we actually start giving a damn about things that would require real effort to fix. And don't even think about mentioning the word "sacrifice", because we just don't do that shit anymore. Instead, it's much easier to pay attention to things which allow us to justify our "fuck you, I've got mine" mentality. 

"Waaaaaa poor me, the world is scary. I'm complicated and I have problems you can't possibly understand." Fucking babies. Go choke on some snack food.

What I'm Hoping the President Will Say Regarding ISIS/ISIL

So, the Middle East is embroiled in yet another clusterfuckstormapocolypse. Is anyone surprised? Here's another shocker. Apparently America has to "act" or "lead" or what ever word you want to use for "bomb the shit out of someone". Again. Aren't we over this crap yet? The usual collection of chickenhawks in Washington, and their spineless enablers in the media, have all decided that this is a done deal. The public? They appear to be warming to the idea of getting involved as well. Recent polls show an increase in the number of Americans who think that an ever expanding air campaign in nations which are harbouring suspicious brown people is an excellent idea. Seriously, what could go wrong?

A lot of the people that I talk to in the land of Oz seem to think that Americans love them some wars. Like it's some kind of a national pastime. I think they're wrong. It's not wars that Americans love. It's the warm fuzzy feeling that comes with thinking the world is full bad guys, and we're the only ones who are capable of stopping it. Don't believe me? How many of these trumped up little pissant dictators and extremists get compared to Hitler? How often do politicians use words to paint a picture where it's "us" vs.. "them", with "us" being all things good and holy, while "them" is pure evil. Americans don't love war. We love the idealised notion that we're fucking super heroes.

Does this mean that I think ISIS isn't engaging in barbaric behaviour? Or that I think there's some reason they shouldn't be wiped off the face of the earth? No. I just don't think America needs to be the one to do it. We've been providing arms, money, and training to just about every nation in the Middle East that bats their eyelashes at us. Honestly, it's to the point that if this was a romantic comedy, America's bros would be going "duuude, stop thinking with your dick. She's just using you". So, here's a novel idea. Let. Them. Handle. It. If ISIS is so big and badass, then fine. Let the locals deal with it. Maybe it'll give them a excuse to stop arguing and bickering among themselves for a month or two.  Let Syria decide whether it can find use for its military that doesn't involve massacring civilians. Sick of the Iraqi's playing a neverending game of king of the hill? Tell them they're on their own with this one. The Kurds want freedom and independence? Go forth and get you some. We'll stay out of your way.

That brings me to what I'm hoping (but seriously doubting) the President will say tonight. America has spent trillions on this thing we call a war on terror. Yes, over 3,000 people died on 9/11. It was a horrible tragedy. Close to 7,000 Americans have died in Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm no mathematician, but I'm smart enough to work out which number is bigger. Now, what portion of American society do you think the majority of those almost 7,000 deaths came from? How many of them were the sons and daughters of the politicians and media elite currently calling for war? How many of them were born into families of the 1%? Who do you think is going to end up shouldering the majority of the burden this time around? Wars are started by the rich and powerful, but they're fought and paid for by the poor and the middle class. That's why you don't see army recruiters in rich neighbourhoods. They know there's no point. Instead, they're always coming to areas where the economic prospects are limited. Want to see the world? Can't afford an education? No worries, just sign here and we'll take care of everything. We'll even pay you for the honour! I mean yea, the pay isn't great and you might die. Even if you do survive, you'll come back home to a country that treats its veterans like shit where it counts. I say where it counts because we're wonderful at saying all the right things, we show respect and "honour their sacrifices". When it comes to things that count though, things like providing decent medical care and helping with the transition back into civilian life, don't you know the economy is terrible at the moment??? What do you want? Everything?

For all of these reasons and more, I'm hoping that the President will defy the pundits and the odds. The speech starts at 9:01. It shouldn't take more than 5 minutes for him to walk to the podium and tell the Middle East that they're on their own. As for the very serious thinkers and important people clamouring for yet another war? Fuck you and the gold gilded pony you rode in on.

Do I think this is what will happen? Of course not. I may have voted for Obama twice, but I'm not naive enough to think he's suddenly going to break the mould by growing a pair. He'll do the same thing virtually every President does. He'll cave. The circle will remain unbroken. Woo freaking hoo.

“She was everywhere, she used to do everything. And the good thing was, she never called out.”

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a news article that has had me thinking ever since. 

It's here if you're interested. 

The gist is that a 32 year old woman named Maria Fernandez was driving to work when she decided to pull off to the side of the road and take a nap in her car. She also decided to leave the car running, presumably because it's pretty cold in New Jersey. Unfortunately, a petrol/gas can had turned over in the back of the car. The combination of the petrol fumes from the can, and carbon monoxide from the exhaust was enough to kill her while she slept.

That part where I said she was driving to work? What I forgot to mention is that she was actually taking a nap between jobs. "Between jobs" doesn't really cut it though because apparently she might've been working at as many as four different Dunkin' Donuts in the area. I wonder if she was granted any last thoughts as the sleep which she would never wake from took her. I'd like to think there's someone she was looking forward to spending some time with. Maybe as her eyes closed a song came on the radio, one of the good ones, and she just drifted off..... comforted by an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and memories of better days. I want to believe that. Let's be honest though. More than likely she was thinking about bills that needed to be paid, and the fact that there would never be enough hours in the day to catch up. 

That brings me to the point of this I guess. I don't have any solutions, nor am I enough of a hypocrite to pretend that I really give a shit. Really though, that's what it comes down to. Stories like this remind us of just how rigged the game is, how much the whole thing just fucking blows. Do we do anything though? Can we? Is it all just destined to suck? I was struck by a quote in the article that prompted, and resulted in the title of, this whiny, pissing in the wind little rant. 

One of Maria's coworkers said the following about her: "She was everywhere, she used to do everything. And the good thing was, she never called out." Just for the sake of emphasis, I'll repeat the last part again "And the good thing was, she never called out." I'm struggling to see how that's a "good" thing. Maybe "convenient" would be a better word. It's a helluva lot easier to overlook people if they're not calling out. How many Maria's am I ignoring every day? 

When I started typing this, I had a clearly defined goal of what I wanted to say. It would've ended up being something along the lines of "how fucked is this? Since when is working 4 jobs not enough? what the fuck is wrong with my homeland??" Blah blah blah, the usual "evils of capitalism" bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I could go on for hours about how I think people are getting screwed by a system that just doesn't care. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm starting to wonder if the people who are being screwed care even less. They don't seem to care about themselves, and they damn sure don't care about each other. Basically, we're screwed, and I'm not even sure if that's undeserved anymore.

Anyway, here's a picture of one of our dogs being awesome. Why? because I can.

Diversify

This was supposed to be limited to my ramblings on food and cooking. However, One dead laptop later all progress ceased. Then, as tends to happen with things like this, I got side-tracked. All the while my little corner of the internet sat here lost and alone gathering e-dust. "E-dust", that's just my attempt at being clever BTW. So, if you're a member of one of the numerous "law enforcement" agencies that have been tasked with sifting through people's semi-private lives, please don't get your hopes up.

Now, where was I? Yes, I remember now. Mourning the death of my laptop and allowing myself to get distracted by more noble pursuits, such as (but not limited to) getting older, getting fat on the couch, and working. That last one in particular has always been a personal favourite of mine. I can only assume that anyway, considering just how much of my fucking life I've allowed it to consume. That is no way to live, not happily anyway. So I've decided to change course a bit. Hence the reason why I'm resurrecting this project of mine. I've realized though that I don't want to devote the whole thing to food. As much as I love cooking, writing about it at the exclusion of everything else just isn't enough of an outlet for the scraps of nonsense floating around in my head.

I'm still going to get to that perfect omelette though. Don't you worry.

Why I Cook

For my first blog post I thought it would be a good idea to explain why I enjoy cooking. I've found this much harder than I would've thought, but I guess what it comes down to is that when you provide someone with a meal, you aren't just giving someone food to eat, you're giving them part of yourself. I know it sounds a bit corny and cliche, but at its core a meal is about life.Whether you're feeding friends, family or complete strangers, at a visceral level giving someone food is making an active decision to ignore the small voice which exists in us all as a product of evolution that says "me first". I guess for the most part, that's why I cook. Really though there's more to it than that. There's a peace I feel in the preparation of ingredients for a meal, a rush I feel when there are lots of things on the go all needing to come out at the same time. More than that, there's no better feeling than knowing you've put genuine effort into something as basic and fundamental as food. It's the one gift you can give someone which they can never return (at least not in it's original form), and regardless of how careful you are with your measurements, ingredients and timing, every meal you ever make will be unique not just in its taste, but in how it is received by the person who is eating it. You can never fully anticipate the culmination of feelings, memories and emotions that will interact with the taste of a dish to bring about a final outcome.

So, that's my first blog post. My wonderful wife has put on one of my favorite movies (Midnight in Paris), and she's finishing off a meal from the recipe book I bought her for Christmas. I can't imagine any reason to sit here banging away at keys instead of enjoying the food, wine and company that I hope to spend some time writing about. As a preview of things to come, have you ever wanted to make the perfect omelette? Yes, perfect is a big word to throw around, but that doesn't mean I can't try.