Not All Police

I've not posted anything in awhile. If I'm being brutally honest, it's because I haven't really felt like it lately. But, life moves on and we either move with it or we get left behind.

I wish I could say this was going to be food orientated, but unfortunately that's not the case. Although, I did recently participate in the audition process for a rather popular cooking show. That's a better story that I'll save for another day.

Instead, tonight I want to have a vent about a particular trend I've noticed that's driving me a little crazy. For those of you that haven't been living in a cave, there's been some.... shall we say "unrest" in relation to modern day policing tactics.

See what I did there? I was diplomatic. That's a thing I'm capable of. I could've said "police keep executing people on camera", but I didn't want to start things off on the wrong foot.

Anyway, as I was saying, things are a bit touchy lately when it comes to the subject of law enforcement. This has resulted in an increase in what I'm going to call "Not all Police" bullshit. Long story short, I've noticed that there's been a tendency lately for some folks to put forward stories like this one as some kind of proof that this whole thing is being blown waaaaay out of proportion, and that we should all get down on bended knee and kiss the very ground that every member of law enforcement walks upon. If you didn't bother to click the link to the video, I'll break it down for you. A woman gets pulled over for breaking the law, she behaves like a bitch and the cop doesn't beat the shit out of her. Yes, that's it, that's the whole thing. Do I think the woman behaved appropriately? No. But, do I feel the need to praise the officer's calm and rational handling of the situation? No. Why? Because that's his fucking job. If the fact that a cop DOESN'T beat, mace, strangle or shoot someone is newsworthy, then I think MAYBE that's part of the problem.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to sit here and say that the job of a police officer is easy. But, that's kindof the point. I've said "job" for a reason. This is something they get paid to do. Cheering a traffic stop that doesn't end in violence is like giving a round of applause for everyone who has ever worked in customer service without punching someone in the face. It's literally the bare minimum. If you're someone that feels the need to be a cheerleader for the cops who somehow manage to make it through a shift without murdering someone, then you're actually part of the problem. I mean seriously, what's the alternative? Do you want to start handing out medals every time an arrest is made without someone getting the shit beaten out of them for no good reason?

So, for all of the cops out there that are doing a good job, keep being awesome I guess? But, can those of you who think it's your job to remind us all how not EVERY cop is a racist, paranoid, murdering piece of shit just shut the fuck up? The adults need to talk and your opinion isn't helping.

Carolina Kitchen - A Totally Biased and Unfair Review

Anyone unfortunate enough to spend more than 30 seconds in conversation with me will walk away knowing 3 things.

1. I was born in the States
2. I grew up in the mountains of Western North Carolina
3. Everything is better there. Except maybe this. Seriously guys. WTF.
4. Southern food is awesome.*

*it's my blog, I'll count badly if I want to

"What is it about Southern food that's so awesome?" I don't hear you asking? It's the fact that Southern food is honest, humble and completely lacking in pretension.  No one is going to give a shit if the primary and secondary ingredients in a recipe are lard and more lard. What matters is that the end result is tasty and worth coming home to. 

Since moving to Australia I've struggled to recreate the dishes of my past. Collards become Kale, grits are rationed out like gold and Crisco is nonexistent. Because of this, I'm always excited when a local eatery claims to have the goods. That's why I've been looking forward to checking out Carolina Kitchen for some time now. However, either because of the distance (it's an hour long round trip) or my fear of being disappointed (it has Carolina in the name. That raises the bar), I've only just gotten around to it. 

With nothing much on the cards for a Saturday afternoon, my wife and I decided that the time had come. So, after half an hour or so in the car, and a slight diversion to an ATM (CK's was down), we found ourselves standing in front of a nondescript building claiming to be the home of excellent ribs, wings and burgers. Their sign also mentioned hoagies, but who wants a sandwich when ribs are on offer? 

My first thoughts on walking in were that someone needed to inform the decorator that you can't just throw a bunch of Americana into a room and call it a day. That being said, it did make me wonder if you could actually get away with putting a penciled drawing of Malcolm X on the wall of a restaurant in the South (sporting a star and crescent ring no less). Quirky, that's the only word I can think of to describe the inside. When it comes right down to it though, I don't care if the place looks like a bomb crater, I'll keep coming back if the food is good. 

The menu though, that had me pretty excited. As this was our first time, we felt like pigging out wasn't only justified, it was damn near mandatory. So, one order of  the following and we were ready to get to it:

• 1 Chilli Dog 
• 1 Cheeseburger
• 1 Regular Ribs
• 6 Buffalo Wings (hot of course)
• 1 New York Fries
• 1 Corn Bread 
• 1 Fanta (orange) and 1 Dr. Pepper (cherry)

There wasn't much seating room inside, and the table out the front was taken, so we made our way around the side of the building where they've got some tables setup beneath a "temporary" canvas shelter. Like I said before, I'm not overly picky about aesthetics. But if I was them I'd try to do something about the rubbish bins from the units next door. Even from the table the farthest away, you couldn't help but catch a whiff of them from time to time. I can't help but think that a bit of a refurb wouldn't go unappreciated. 

Fortunately it wasn't long before the fries arrived. Partly because the smell was more than enough to overpower the occasional odour from the previously mentioned bins, but mostly because they were pretty damn tasty. The amount of seasoning was perfect and the fries hadn't gone soggy (as is often the case when people try to put a topping on fried food). The only criticism I could make is that personally I would've popped it under the grill for a bit before adding the sauce and sour cream. This would brown the cheese a bit and give it some more flavour. Beyond that, they were excellent, definitely the kind of thing that you could eat way too much of. We had just about managed to polish these off when the next round came out.

Exhibit A in the case of my expanding waistline

The burger.... I'm not too sure about this one. It was exactly what the menu said it would be, and I can't deny that it was good eating, it just didn't quite do it for me. Firstly I didn't pick up a hit of flame grilled char. If it was there it was drowned out by the excessive amount of mustard. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a big fan of American mustard. But it shouldn't be the primary flavour on a burger. As an actor it doesn't get top billing. The flip side is that it comes with a decent chilli sauce. Also, it was nice getting a basic cheeseburger without having to spell it out for the person behind the counter. I didn't have to go through my usual litany of "No lettuce. No... no tomato either. No I don't want egg. It's noon dude. We're way passed breakfast. Pineapple? Why? DAMNIT I SAID NO EGG! DROP THE FUCKING BEETROOT!"

I got somewhat overzealous

Few things are as polarizing as wings. To fry or not to fry? How much sauce? How thick should it be? These are all important questions and anyone who has made their own wings will give you a different answer. I'm hesitant to say that any of them are wrong. But that doesn't stop me from having my own personal preference. To me, wings should be crispy. They should be the kind of crispy that you're just not going to get from baking them. Also, the sauce should be thin enough to toss the wings through. What we got was pretty much the opposite of that. They were good, but by this point I was starting to wonder if CK uses the same tomato based sauce for everything. On top of that the vinegar tang makes me think they must use alot of plain Tabasco to try and split the difference between "plain" and "hot". There comes a point where nomatter how much Tabasco you pour on something, it's not going to get any hotter. Most of this can be chalked up to just not being my particular style, so that's ok. The blue cheese dip though? We've got to talk about that. The whole point of the dip is that it cuts through the spicy/vinegariness of the wings. It can't do that without a sufficient amount of blue cheese. Even if the wings aren't overly hot, the dip should have enough blue-cheese in it to make you sit up and take notice. Unfortunately, what we got had a sickly sweetness to it that was much to similar to the wings themselves. So what you end up getting is an overload of the same flavours.

Wings - The struggle is real

By this point I was starting to wonder if maybe we had gone a bit too far with our ordering. Did we have to get the fries and the wings as well as a burger and chilli dog? How long would it be until my stomach starting saying "Dude, just eat a salad once in awhile. Please?"

If it seems like I've skipped something, that's because I have. Unfortunately I neglected to get a picture of Jaclyn's chilli dog. She tells me it was pretty good. It certainly looked the part. The best thing is that is they didn't try to fancy up the bun. It was proper cheap white bread. Nothing works better for a chilli dog.  Now the cornbread...... I really can't bring myself to say I liked it. They get credit for trying (there aren't many places over here that have cornbread on the menu), but for me it was just wrong.  It was far too sweet and it had a cake like consistency instead of the buttery/crumbly goodness that I was hoping for. I think they could use some coarser meal added to the mix. Also, judging by the lack of crust on the edges, I can't imagine they're cooking it in cast iron. I'm a picky man when it comes to cornbread though. I'm probably not being fair though, because to me anything that isn't skillet cornbread isn't worth making.

That brings me to the part I was looking forward to the most. The ribs. Whether you like your ribs dry or saucy, sweet or spicy, everyone knows a good rib needs to be falling off the bone. In that regard, these were faultless. As far as taste goes, I tend to make mine with a bit more of a kick, and a bit more of smoky/charred goodness would go a long way. But these really were the closest thing I've had to Southern ribs since I left those mountains I'm always bragging on. They're definitely worth the trip.

The Main Event

Overall, I'm really glad that we finally got around to going. I know that some folks would be put off by the location and the general state of the place. But those same people wouldn't appreciate the kind of food on offer no matter what you did. Is it a bit cramped? Yes. Could the seating areas do with a bit of TLC? No doubt. But the whole point of this kind of food is it tastes good anywhere. If you've got rib sauce running down your arms you're not going to notice the fact that the table is a bit wobbly.

The results speak for themselves

Have I Missed Something?

As I’m sure the teeming hordes have noticed (because truly, there are so many people clamouring to read this nonsense), my little corner of the world hasn’t been updated in quite some time. It would be nice to say that I’ve been spending my time following some noble pursuit. However, the truth is I’ve been too busy getting up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep, only to start the whole thing over again the next day. Rinse and repeat a few times and suddenly it’s the weekend.  That’s when the real fun starts, because you’ve only got a couple of days to pretend to have a life of your own before the whole cycle starts again. With a schedule like that, who has time for giving a shit about anyone other than me and mine? Actually, that’s not entirely true. Somehow I’ve managed to find the time to keep up with the very important news of the day. Deflate Gate? I’m there. Sherlock Holmes is unable to deduce that he can’t say “coloured” because he’s not these guys? Sign me up for the outrage! Overly simplistic hero worship contrasted with prickish nonsense whose sole purpose is to get attention? Bring on the drama motherfucker! I mean yea, I could be spending my time pretending to care about poor people, like this guy, but that requires a lot of work (and apparently a fuck ton of money); and frankly, I just don’t have time for anything that requires work.This should come as no surprise to those of you who know that I work in an office for a living, but that’s a rant for another day. My point is that my life revolves so much around my job that it’s easy to forget that there are real problems in the world. In fact, some of them are even worth caring about. I’m not really all that worried though, because I know when the shit goes down I can always count on those in power to do the right thing. Until then, I’ll just try to take comfort in the fact that there’s still some goodness in the world.

As an added bonus, here’s a recipe for some awesome dip. It’s also great with a curry, or as a condiment on a burger. Seriously, coprophilia has nothing on this shit.
1kg (2.2 lbs) of Greek Yogurt - Pretend you’re Sir Mix-a-lot… the thicker the better
1 bunch of Coriander/Cilantro - Or make some dill have a threesome with a lemon and some rocket and wait awhile… Alternatively, pull a Cosby and wait for them to go to sleep.
4 spring onions - Don’t be racist, use both the white and non-white portions.
2 cloves of garlic – Perfect for that special someone in your life.
A few sprigs of mint – Because you’ll never be as cool as this guy.
1 Habanero – You can never be too hard on an asshole.
Salt to taste – Half a teaspoon or so….. this is no joke. USE ENOUGH SALT.
I would add some instructions, but they would consist of “pick the leaves, chop everything like you’ve got some common sense, throw in some salt like a boss and mix” so what’s the point?

The United States of Pants Wetters

Whatever happened to "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself?". 

Apparently the list of things that we're supposed to be wetting our pants about is as follows: ISIS, Ebola, Khorasan, Al-qaeda, Mexicans, black people (especially if they're wearing a hoodie), brown people, young people, old people and last but certainly not least, gay people. Have I missed anything? Probably, it's hard to keep up. All I know is that lately I can't escape the feeling that my country and its people are completely and utterly full of shit. Seriously. Is the US the greatest nation that ever was and ever will be? Or is it under constant threat of hyperventilating at the sight of its own shadow? You can't have both. If a nation spends over a TRILLION dollars a year on defence and yet still doesn't feel safe, I think we can safely say there's a problem. Frankly, you've lost your fucking minds. There isn't enough military might in the world to fix the problem, because the problem isn't real. 

Actually, I'll take some part of that back. There is a problem. You, the people, are the problem. Grow a pair already. 

Are you scared of getting Ebola? Well guess what? You're not going to get Ebola. You just aren't, it's as simple as that. You've got a better chance of choking to death on a fucking cheesy poof or a pretzel (just ask George Bush). 

Does the thought of terrorists keep you up at night? Guess what? You're an idiot. The odds are more in your favour of being killed by lightening than by a terrorist. That's not hyperbole. Where's the panic? Where's the congressional hearings on Zeus and his "network of death"? Why aren't Steve King and Ted "won't someone please notice me" Cruz jumping up and down about this clear and present danger??? 

We're so caught up in our little fad phobias and fears because deep down inside we know they aren't real. Because if they were, we might have to actually face them. God forbid we actually start giving a damn about things that would require real effort to fix. And don't even think about mentioning the word "sacrifice", because we just don't do that shit anymore. Instead, it's much easier to pay attention to things which allow us to justify our "fuck you, I've got mine" mentality. 

"Waaaaaa poor me, the world is scary. I'm complicated and I have problems you can't possibly understand." Fucking babies. Go choke on some snack food.

What I'm Hoping the President Will Say Regarding ISIS/ISIL

So, the Middle East is embroiled in yet another clusterfuckstormapocolypse. Is anyone surprised? Here's another shocker. Apparently America has to "act" or "lead" or what ever word you want to use for "bomb the shit out of someone". Again. Aren't we over this crap yet? The usual collection of chickenhawks in Washington, and their spineless enablers in the media, have all decided that this is a done deal. The public? They appear to be warming to the idea of getting involved as well. Recent polls show an increase in the number of Americans who think that an ever expanding air campaign in nations which are harbouring suspicious brown people is an excellent idea. Seriously, what could go wrong?

A lot of the people that I talk to in the land of Oz seem to think that Americans love them some wars. Like it's some kind of a national pastime. I think they're wrong. It's not wars that Americans love. It's the warm fuzzy feeling that comes with thinking the world is full bad guys, and we're the only ones who are capable of stopping it. Don't believe me? How many of these trumped up little pissant dictators and extremists get compared to Hitler? How often do politicians use words to paint a picture where it's "us" vs.. "them", with "us" being all things good and holy, while "them" is pure evil. Americans don't love war. We love the idealised notion that we're fucking super heroes.

Does this mean that I think ISIS isn't engaging in barbaric behaviour? Or that I think there's some reason they shouldn't be wiped off the face of the earth? No. I just don't think America needs to be the one to do it. We've been providing arms, money, and training to just about every nation in the Middle East that bats their eyelashes at us. Honestly, it's to the point that if this was a romantic comedy, America's bros would be going "duuude, stop thinking with your dick. She's just using you". So, here's a novel idea. Let. Them. Handle. It. If ISIS is so big and badass, then fine. Let the locals deal with it. Maybe it'll give them a excuse to stop arguing and bickering among themselves for a month or two.  Let Syria decide whether it can find use for its military that doesn't involve massacring civilians. Sick of the Iraqi's playing a neverending game of king of the hill? Tell them they're on their own with this one. The Kurds want freedom and independence? Go forth and get you some. We'll stay out of your way.

That brings me to what I'm hoping (but seriously doubting) the President will say tonight. America has spent trillions on this thing we call a war on terror. Yes, over 3,000 people died on 9/11. It was a horrible tragedy. Close to 7,000 Americans have died in Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm no mathematician, but I'm smart enough to work out which number is bigger. Now, what portion of American society do you think the majority of those almost 7,000 deaths came from? How many of them were the sons and daughters of the politicians and media elite currently calling for war? How many of them were born into families of the 1%? Who do you think is going to end up shouldering the majority of the burden this time around? Wars are started by the rich and powerful, but they're fought and paid for by the poor and the middle class. That's why you don't see army recruiters in rich neighbourhoods. They know there's no point. Instead, they're always coming to areas where the economic prospects are limited. Want to see the world? Can't afford an education? No worries, just sign here and we'll take care of everything. We'll even pay you for the honour! I mean yea, the pay isn't great and you might die. Even if you do survive, you'll come back home to a country that treats its veterans like shit where it counts. I say where it counts because we're wonderful at saying all the right things, we show respect and "honour their sacrifices". When it comes to things that count though, things like providing decent medical care and helping with the transition back into civilian life, don't you know the economy is terrible at the moment??? What do you want? Everything?

For all of these reasons and more, I'm hoping that the President will defy the pundits and the odds. The speech starts at 9:01. It shouldn't take more than 5 minutes for him to walk to the podium and tell the Middle East that they're on their own. As for the very serious thinkers and important people clamouring for yet another war? Fuck you and the gold gilded pony you rode in on.

Do I think this is what will happen? Of course not. I may have voted for Obama twice, but I'm not naive enough to think he's suddenly going to break the mould by growing a pair. He'll do the same thing virtually every President does. He'll cave. The circle will remain unbroken. Woo freaking hoo.

“She was everywhere, she used to do everything. And the good thing was, she never called out.”

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a news article that has had me thinking ever since. 

It's here if you're interested. 

The gist is that a 32 year old woman named Maria Fernandez was driving to work when she decided to pull off to the side of the road and take a nap in her car. She also decided to leave the car running, presumably because it's pretty cold in New Jersey. Unfortunately, a petrol/gas can had turned over in the back of the car. The combination of the petrol fumes from the can, and carbon monoxide from the exhaust was enough to kill her while she slept.

That part where I said she was driving to work? What I forgot to mention is that she was actually taking a nap between jobs. "Between jobs" doesn't really cut it though because apparently she might've been working at as many as four different Dunkin' Donuts in the area. I wonder if she was granted any last thoughts as the sleep which she would never wake from took her. I'd like to think there's someone she was looking forward to spending some time with. Maybe as her eyes closed a song came on the radio, one of the good ones, and she just drifted off..... comforted by an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and memories of better days. I want to believe that. Let's be honest though. More than likely she was thinking about bills that needed to be paid, and the fact that there would never be enough hours in the day to catch up. 

That brings me to the point of this I guess. I don't have any solutions, nor am I enough of a hypocrite to pretend that I really give a shit. Really though, that's what it comes down to. Stories like this remind us of just how rigged the game is, how much the whole thing just fucking blows. Do we do anything though? Can we? Is it all just destined to suck? I was struck by a quote in the article that prompted, and resulted in the title of, this whiny, pissing in the wind little rant. 

One of Maria's coworkers said the following about her: "She was everywhere, she used to do everything. And the good thing was, she never called out." Just for the sake of emphasis, I'll repeat the last part again "And the good thing was, she never called out." I'm struggling to see how that's a "good" thing. Maybe "convenient" would be a better word. It's a helluva lot easier to overlook people if they're not calling out. How many Maria's am I ignoring every day? 

When I started typing this, I had a clearly defined goal of what I wanted to say. It would've ended up being something along the lines of "how fucked is this? Since when is working 4 jobs not enough? what the fuck is wrong with my homeland??" Blah blah blah, the usual "evils of capitalism" bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I could go on for hours about how I think people are getting screwed by a system that just doesn't care. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm starting to wonder if the people who are being screwed care even less. They don't seem to care about themselves, and they damn sure don't care about each other. Basically, we're screwed, and I'm not even sure if that's undeserved anymore.

Anyway, here's a picture of one of our dogs being awesome. Why? because I can.

Diversify

This was supposed to be limited to my ramblings on food and cooking. However, One dead laptop later all progress ceased. Then, as tends to happen with things like this, I got side-tracked. All the while my little corner of the internet sat here lost and alone gathering e-dust. "E-dust", that's just my attempt at being clever BTW. So, if you're a member of one of the numerous "law enforcement" agencies that have been tasked with sifting through people's semi-private lives, please don't get your hopes up.

Now, where was I? Yes, I remember now. Mourning the death of my laptop and allowing myself to get distracted by more noble pursuits, such as (but not limited to) getting older, getting fat on the couch, and working. That last one in particular has always been a personal favourite of mine. I can only assume that anyway, considering just how much of my fucking life I've allowed it to consume. That is no way to live, not happily anyway. So I've decided to change course a bit. Hence the reason why I'm resurrecting this project of mine. I've realized though that I don't want to devote the whole thing to food. As much as I love cooking, writing about it at the exclusion of everything else just isn't enough of an outlet for the scraps of nonsense floating around in my head.

I'm still going to get to that perfect omelette though. Don't you worry.