Giant Fairy Bread
First thing's first, "Fairy Bread" isn't some kind of a weird growth on the end of Elton John's package. It's actually a form of Australian poverty food. I've not done a huge amount of research into how it came about. But, I can only assume that at after a long day of kangaroo punching, some poor sap of a parent with nothing in the cupboard came home to a child whining about wanting something to eat.
Apparently, if you don't feed children once in awhile they waste away to nothing. In fact, if you're really unfortunate they grow up to be Calista Flockhart.
Anyway, the parent in this historically accurate tale of mine had a flash of inspiration and smeared a bit of butter on a slice of white bread and gave it to the kid. Unfortunately, the little bastard wouldn't eat it. Maybe this was the first instance of "gluten sensitivity" rearing it's ugly (and completely full of shit) head. Who knows? I wasn't there, which means I can imagine whatever I want.
| Bread + Butter + Sprinkles = Food? |
Regardless of how it happened, the next step was either an act of genius or desperation, depending on who you ask. Either way the end result was for someone to think to themselves "What does bread and butter need to make it better? Why, sprinkles of course." And why not? I mean other than the fact that what we're talking about is a piece of buttered bread with a candy coating. Seriously.
Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that now might be a good time to disavow all knowledge of some of the culinary contributions that my country has brought to the table. However, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that anyone who thinks that cookies in milk for breakfast is a bad idea should be voted off the island.
Now, where was I? Ahh yes, the fairy bread. Now that you know the beast, it's time to meet his ugly cousin.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that baking just isn't my thing. No matter how closely I follow the recipe, the end result is always the same. Everything will look like it's going according to plan, right up until it's time to take the object of my frustrations out of the oven. Then, I get to watch it sink faster than John Goodman in a half-filled waterbed. Maybe baking just requires a level of patience and precision that I just wasn't built for. Or, I'm just cursed by Viagranimus, the Roman God of Rising. Either way, I was more than a little concerned that offering to be responsible for a child's birthday cake wasn't one of my better ideas. That being said, cooking for a toddler does have it's benefits. Chief among them being that if the end result is terrible, they're not going to remember it the next day. It's kindof like being on a date with Bill Cosby. Anyway, enough rambling and inappropriate humour, on with the show! For this I decided to go with a cream cheese pound cake base with a vanilla-buttercream frosting, followed by a generous coating of sprinkles. Lastly, for a bit of fun I scattered a small handful of popping candy over the whole thing. Overall, I was pretty happy with how it turned out. I think everyone else was too.
Cream the butter, cream cheese and sugar. Add the salt and vanilla. While beating, add the eggs one at a time and continue beating until fluffy. Add the cake flour in stages. Continue beating until it's well mixed. Bake for 1/2 hours or until golden brown.
As an aside, since I wanted the final result to look like a slice of bread, I needed a mold to pour the batter into. Since this was the first time that I've tried to go beyond simply being happy with something that looks vaguely cake-like, I had to fall back on an important life skill. I made it up as I went.
The first problem that I ran into was finding a pan that was large enough. Because I couldn't find a cake tin that was the right size and shape, I ended up having to use a roasting tray instead.
Then, using a slice of bread as inspiration, I put together a mould using aluminium foil (with some added support from a ramekin). For the divot's at the base of the 'slice', I went with some balled up pieces of foil.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Anyway, the shape ended up being pretty close to what I wanted. I did have to do a bit of trimming around the top (something I had hoped to avoid, so as to not ruin the "crust"), and I had to scrape off the top in order to get the right "bready" texture, but overall I was satisfied.
This one is from "Desserts" by Pierre Herme. I've added some notes here and there where appropriate.
3 cups of sugar
1 cup of water
Pulp from one vanilla bean (pack the hull into the sugar that you put in your coffee/tea).
7 egg yolks at room temperature
17 ounces of softened, unsalted butter
Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that now might be a good time to disavow all knowledge of some of the culinary contributions that my country has brought to the table. However, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that anyone who thinks that cookies in milk for breakfast is a bad idea should be voted off the island.
Now, where was I? Ahh yes, the fairy bread. Now that you know the beast, it's time to meet his ugly cousin.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that baking just isn't my thing. No matter how closely I follow the recipe, the end result is always the same. Everything will look like it's going according to plan, right up until it's time to take the object of my frustrations out of the oven. Then, I get to watch it sink faster than John Goodman in a half-filled waterbed. Maybe baking just requires a level of patience and precision that I just wasn't built for. Or, I'm just cursed by Viagranimus, the Roman God of Rising. Either way, I was more than a little concerned that offering to be responsible for a child's birthday cake wasn't one of my better ideas. That being said, cooking for a toddler does have it's benefits. Chief among them being that if the end result is terrible, they're not going to remember it the next day. It's kindof like being on a date with Bill Cosby. Anyway, enough rambling and inappropriate humour, on with the show! For this I decided to go with a cream cheese pound cake base with a vanilla-buttercream frosting, followed by a generous coating of sprinkles. Lastly, for a bit of fun I scattered a small handful of popping candy over the whole thing. Overall, I was pretty happy with how it turned out. I think everyone else was too.
Ingredients - Pound Cake
The recipe for the pound cake was taken straight from an awesome church-lady cookbook entitled "Cooking With American Pride." It's wonderful in its pure, genuinely authentic tackiness. Maybe I'm just biased because my wife and I found it a couple of years ago while we were visiting the town I grew up in. Whatever the reason, if ever you come upon a church fundraiser cookbook, I think they're worth grabbing.
6 US sticks of butter (660 gr). Considering the source, I admit it was tempting to add another 6 grams just for a laugh.
6 cups of sugar
12 eggs
16 oz cream cheese
3 tsp vanilla
6 cups of sifted cake flour
Dash of salt
Preheat oven to 325 F| I'm always this organized |
6 US sticks of butter (660 gr). Considering the source, I admit it was tempting to add another 6 grams just for a laugh.
6 cups of sugar
12 eggs
16 oz cream cheese
3 tsp vanilla
6 cups of sifted cake flour
Dash of salt
Method
Cream the butter, cream cheese and sugar. Add the salt and vanilla. While beating, add the eggs one at a time and continue beating until fluffy. Add the cake flour in stages. Continue beating until it's well mixed. Bake for 1/2 hours or until golden brown.
As an aside, since I wanted the final result to look like a slice of bread, I needed a mold to pour the batter into. Since this was the first time that I've tried to go beyond simply being happy with something that looks vaguely cake-like, I had to fall back on an important life skill. I made it up as I went.
The first problem that I ran into was finding a pan that was large enough. Because I couldn't find a cake tin that was the right size and shape, I ended up having to use a roasting tray instead.
Then, using a slice of bread as inspiration, I put together a mould using aluminium foil (with some added support from a ramekin). For the divot's at the base of the 'slice', I went with some balled up pieces of foil.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Anyway, the shape ended up being pretty close to what I wanted. I did have to do a bit of trimming around the top (something I had hoped to avoid, so as to not ruin the "crust"), and I had to scrape off the top in order to get the right "bready" texture, but overall I was satisfied.
| Dial M for "Murder." AKA "The Before" | "The After" | The Naked |
Ingredients - The Frosting
Maybe it's just me, but I can't stand the heavily sugared, cardboard consistency crap that coats the majority of mass produced birthday cakes. Yes, it's durable enough to survive a car trip (or a bullet), but it tastes like the Sugar Plum Fairy took a shit and mixed it with Plaster of Paris. Unless it's some kind of a fetish party, no one wants shit on their cake. So, in keeping with the Fairy Bread theme, I went with a vanilla buttercream frosting instead.This one is from "Desserts" by Pierre Herme. I've added some notes here and there where appropriate.
3 cups of sugar
1 cup of water
Pulp from one vanilla bean (pack the hull into the sugar that you put in your coffee/tea).
7 egg yolks at room temperature
17 ounces of softened, unsalted butter
Method
1. Pour the water and sugar into a small sauce pan and and add the vanilla bean pulp. Bring the mixture to the boil, swirling the pan occasionally to help melt and mix the sugar (don't screw around with this stuff. Not only will it burn the shit out of you, there's no way you'll avoid losing skin trying to get it off.) Cook without stirring, until it reaches 245°F (118°C). Again, keep in mind that water boils at 212°F (100°C). So I reiterate, don't screw around with this stuff.
This will probably take 15 minutes or so. You'll notice it starting to change colour a little bit throughout the process.
2. While the sugar and water are cooking, place the yolks in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment. Beat just enough to break them up.
3. When the sugar has reached the required temperature, beat the yolks in the mixer at medium-high speed and slowly pour the sugar syrup into the bowl. Try to pour the syrup down the side of the bowl so that it doesn't get caught in the spinning whisk. If it splatters, just keep going as best you can. You won't have lost much syrup, and if you mess about with the splattered sugar you're going to get lumps. Once the syrups has been incorporated, increase the mixer speed to high and continue beating until the mixture is completely cool, 10 to 15 minutes. Keep going until the mixture and the bowl cool down to room temperature.
4. While the eggs and syrup are mixing, in a separate bowl work the softened butter with a rubber spatula until it is creamy. Don't allow the butter to become oily and gooey.
5. Once the eggs are absolutely cool, decrease the mixer speed to low and add the softened butter in roughly 12 equal amounts. Once the butter has been incorporated, the mixture may look curdled (fortunately, mine didn't). If this happens, simply keep mixing on a low speed until the mixture becomes smooth.
6. At this point you can add flavourings, if you wish (I didn't). The final mixture will last for 2-3 days in the fridge, or 3 months in the freezer. Whether it's stored in the fridge or the freezer, it'll need to be re-whipped prior to using.After 8 minutes or so of beating, it should look/feel like it did originally.
Obviously if it's been frozen, you'll need to let it defrost in the fridge first. Don't blame me if you're dumb enough to try whipping an ice-block.
The last step was to combine it all into one giant piece of faux bread. For an added laugh, I sprinkled the whole thing with some pop-rocks just prior to serving.
Does it look rubbish? Yes.
Is it something I would make again? Absolutely. Despite my personal hatred of baking, I was really happy with how it turned out. If you squint, it actually does kindof look like a giant slice of bread with butter and sprinkles.
| Behold! Sugar! |
Asian-ish egg and noodles thing
This was a pure "what do we have lying around?" dish. I'll admit, it doesn't look like much, but it was pretty damn tasty.
Ingredients
2 packet roti (these ones happened to be garlic flavoured, yum)
Vermicelli noodles
Eggs (ended up using 10 because I overdid it on the noodles)
Kimchi (roughly chopped)
Spring Onions (sliced diagonally)
Half a red onion (sliced super thin)
2 cloves of garlic
Soy sauce
Sesame oil (a little goes a long way)
1 Jalapeno (sliced thinly)
3 Italian sausages (skins removed and smashed to pieces)
Grapeseed oil (for frying)
Small handful of Coriander leaves
Method
Mix the soy, garlic, sesame oil and half the jalapeno and a few slivers of onion. Cling wrap and set aside
A dash of oil in the Wok, get it shimmery hot. Toss the remaining onion in. Stir about until translucent. Throw in the sausage meat and fry till done. Remove and set aside. Give the wok a bit of a wipe.
Lightly beat the eggs, mix the spring onions, coriander and noodles through the eggs. Put a dash of oil oil in the wok. While that's heating, start grilling the roti. Or, if you're like me, harass your partner into looking after the roti (multi-tasking isn't my thing).
Once the oil is good and hot, throw in your egg mixture and start mixing it about. After it starts to come together a bit, toss the meat back into wok. Stir fry until done.
Did I mention that you should set aside some spring onion, coriander and jalapeno to go on top? No? Well do that.
Once everything is cooked/fried etc... put it all together. Start with the roti as the base. Then the kimchi, the eggy noddle sausage mixture, a drizzling of the soy concoction, and finally that garnish you forgot about. If you've overloaded your roti (like I did) it's a delicious mess. Otherwise, you could roll it up and eat it like a burrito.
Crack a beer and dig in.
Pierre Hereme's "Melody"
I'm not much of a baker. There's something about the precision and patience required that just doesn't suit my personality. I'm always over-mixing, checking too often or praying to the wrong cooking gods. Consequently, cakes and I are not no speaking terms. However, for Jaclyn's birthday I thought I would give it a go. After much swearing and carrying on, our kitchen gave birth to the following:
Why was there much swearing? The above (admittedly rough looking) monstrosity is built up from bottom to top with
1. A ridiculously fragile cinnamon pastry layer,
2. A layer of genoise sponge.
3. "Twenty Hour Apples". They're not called this because scientists have discovered a way of getting apples from seeds within 20 hours. These are more the "slice them ridiculously thin. Layer them with butter, sugar and orange zest and then cook them on the lowest setting possible for 20 hours" type of apple.
4. Bavarian Cream (this is not some kind of Euro porn).
5. Genoise
6. Another cinnamon layer? Why the hell not?
7. More thinly sliced apples, tossed in some lemon juice.
8. Wine, lots of wine. You can't see it in the picture, but trust me, it was an important part of the process.
All in all, I was pretty happy with it. I'll be the first to admit that it looked "rustic" *cough* terrible *cough*. But, I'm not going to lie, when it was time to take a step back and look at what a day and a half of work had resulted in, I was pretty happy. Maybe I'll do this whole baking thing more than once every decade or so.
1. A ridiculously fragile cinnamon pastry layer,
2. A layer of genoise sponge.
3. "Twenty Hour Apples". They're not called this because scientists have discovered a way of getting apples from seeds within 20 hours. These are more the "slice them ridiculously thin. Layer them with butter, sugar and orange zest and then cook them on the lowest setting possible for 20 hours" type of apple.
4. Bavarian Cream (this is not some kind of Euro porn).
5. Genoise
6. Another cinnamon layer? Why the hell not?
7. More thinly sliced apples, tossed in some lemon juice.
8. Wine, lots of wine. You can't see it in the picture, but trust me, it was an important part of the process.
All in all, I was pretty happy with it. I'll be the first to admit that it looked "rustic" *cough* terrible *cough*. But, I'm not going to lie, when it was time to take a step back and look at what a day and a half of work had resulted in, I was pretty happy. Maybe I'll do this whole baking thing more than once every decade or so.
No comments:
Post a Comment