This Fucking Shit (AKA James Ward is an idiot)

Ok, I had about half a page of what I'd like to think were witty comparisons between the United States and Australia. I even sprinkled in some acknowledgement that Australia isn't all that bad of a place. In fact, it's a pretty easy argument to make that I'd be much worse off if I had stayed in America. The whole thing was supposed to smoothly transition into some commentary on what I see as the entrenched nanny-state mentality over here, and the fact that it's (for the most part) wholeheartedly supported by the locals. Then, I was going to segue into how an article that I read this morning was a prime example of my point.

But I've got to be honest, that was all just some fluff that I felt like I needed in order to justify where I was going with this post. Then I remembered it's my small corner of the internet. I don't need to justify shit. So, I'll cut to the chase. James Ward is an idiot and I hope no one takes his 'ideas' seriously.

Read this article and come back, if you can be bothered. I'll try to have some fun with this.

Ok, so here's the thing. Right out of the gate I've got to say that you can't spew a load of horseshit only to try to wiggle out of it by tossing out some nonsense about how the whole thing is "a little bit tongue-in-cheek." This wanker was sitting around one day mentally stroking himself until what he thought was a 'brave' idea spurted out onto his computer screen. Then, in an act of true courage he's added a little 'get out of jail free' clause at the end of the article. That way if anyone complains he can always say something along the lines of "come on guys and gals, I was just joking. But, road safety is a serious issue and we should all do our part." Or some equally wishy-washy garbage that would allow him to pretend he wasn't REALLY advocating for yet another way to fine people to death. It's the classic "I was just trying to make a point" excuse. Somewhere Jonathan Swift is not amused by such bullshit.

So, I'm going to disregard the lame cop-out at the end of James' 'article' and respond to the fact that I think the little weasel actually meant everything he said up to that point. If you couldn't make it through the whole thing, it can be best summed up by saying that he reckons people should be fined for not pulling away quickly enough from a light which has turned green. How does he propose to accomplish this? With green light cameras, of course. Like there aren't enough cameras and fines waiting around every corner over here.

Guess what, it's a pretty safe bet that some of those people he rails against who are "staring off vacantly into the distance" are just trying to lose themselves in a few extra seconds of imagination while they're driving away from a home life they can't stand towards a job they hate. This notion that absolutely every second of every day has to be spent working towards some meaningful pursuit in the most efficient way possible is precisely why so many people are fucking miserable. Then this jerk comes along and says you're a threat to public safety if you don't sprint off of a green light like you're drag-racing for pink slips. That's just what an already over-worked, over-stressed and over-medicated populace needs, one more thing to worry about!

Studies have already shown that red light cameras do nothing to improve safety. Why would this 'brave' idea of adding green light cameras be any different? It's already to the point that people will either slam on their brakes or speed up in order to try and avoid running a red light with a camera. Now, imagine you've got a camera on the other side of the road keeping tabs on whether or not you're leaving a light fast enough to suit this BMW promoting jackass. You already know what will happen. Panicked Driver #1 times it wrong and speeds through a red light while Panicked Driver #2 takes off from their green light like a shot because they're worried about getting a fine. They meet somewhere in the middle and then the BMW promoting jackass has to wait even longer while the wreckage is cleared from the intersection.

The reason why people drive badly has little do with the drivers. I honestly believe that it's the cars. Dipshits make a living out of promoting cars that damn near drive themselves. Then we're supposed to act surprised when people get distracted while driving these islands on wheels and run over a nun who is carrying a baby. If your car can stop on a dime, all of a sudden you don't worry about riding someone's ass anymore. If your car has full surround sound stereo and climate control, you're less inclined to know what's going on around you because you're encased in your own little world.

Hell, let's just run down some specs from the last car this super douche was touting:

• Auto Climate Control with Dual Temp Zones
• Heated Front Seats
• Adaptive Drive
• Electronic Brake Force Distribution
• Hill Holder
• Traction Control System
• Cruise Control
• Head Up Display
• Multi Function Steering Wheel
• Mobile Phone Connectivity
• Parking Distance Control Rear
• Power Steering
• Reversing Camera
• Voice Recognition System
• Sound System with 12 Speakers
• Television
• Active Steering

Seriously, look at all that shit and tell me that's a car someone is going to be able to drive without getting distracted or bored. It's fine though, because Mr. Ward is here to tell you that if you're dumb enough to take his advice and spend over $200k on a car then you're also opening yourself up to having him call you a safety risk when said car lulls you into a false sense of security and you zone out at the wheel. It's complete hypocritical nonsense.

Lately I've been using a somewhat large and unwieldy piece of American Iron as my daily driver, and I honestly think it's made me a better driver. If you're cruising down the road in a 3/4 ton pickup with no power steering and no power brakes (drums all around) it forces you to pay attention to what's going on around you. Every stoplight becomes a "will I or won't I" calculation based on how far away you are and what the traffic around you is doing. Every lane change is a study in patience and caution. I'm not saying this because I think everyone should go out and get behind the wheel of something that was obsolete before I was born (truth be told, sometimes I question my intelligence at having decided to drive such a beast.) I just think the world would be much better off if impatient, holier than thou little twerps would stop looking for new and creative ways to cram their "lead follow or get out of the way" suburbanite, yuppie agendas down the throats of people who just want to get from point A to B without having to worry if the prick behind them is going to get upset because they've been inconvenienced by a few seconds.

You know the one thing I really struggle with when I'm out and about in the relic? It's not the lack of AC or power windows. I couldn't give less of a damn about the fact that my truck doesn't have "Parking Distance Control" (whatever that is) or "Active Steering" (again, WTF?). No, what chaps my ass is nitwits like James Freaking Ward who ride up too close behind me because I'm not going fast enough for their liking. Or folks that can't seem to grasp the concept that their 20lb Getz is probably going to pull away from a traffic light with a bit more pep than what I've got. These are the types of people who can say things like "every time you step into a car, bring your A-game." with a straight face. Like it's some kind of competition that they're wining simply because they've got a set of polished veneers sparkling back at them from the vanity mirror of their proxy dick on wheels.

Get fucked dude. I'm just trying to get to work. And, I'd like to be able to do it without having to worry about whether or not some smarmy little male menopause suffering soccer-dad behind me is busy having a shit-fit all over their 'Sumptuous $3200 Exclusive Nappa leather' seats simply because I might actually be taking the time to enjoy the drive.

I care not for your 'busy' schedule

The End of the Whole Mess

After an election season that has me wondering if Stephen King can see the future, we're finally nearing the end of this madness. By this point, the outcome of the election is pretty much baked in one way or the other. So, i'm not going to get too far into the weeds as far as the candidates themselves are concerned. Regardless of who is elected, I'm worried the wrong lessons are going to be learned.

We'll start with what I'm told is the most likely outcome. If Hillary Clinton is elected President, I think there's a very real possibility that a faction of the Republican party is going to splinter off into a third party. What that could look like is anyone's guess. But personally, I think the modern day version of the Rockefeller Republicans is going to be in search of a home. The problem is that there's no one that I can see who might be a standard-bearer for for such a thing. Evan McMullin doesn't have it in him, Jeb! has the charisma of Eeyore on a bad day, Romney is done, Rubio doesn't have the balls and Cruz whiffed on his one shot at displaying something resembling honor. So, it'll be interesting to see who fills the void.

Even if I'm wrong about an official split, or which side of the split ends up being the one to walk, one thing is for certain, the Republican party is going to be a mess for quite some time. While they get their shit together, there's going to be an opportunity for the Democratic party to decide what direction they want to take the country, and who they're going to bring along for the ride. My concern is that they're going to look at the demographics and come to the conclusion that they don't even need to pretend to give a damn about poor and working class white voters. There's already some sign of this in the way that many liberal voters view Trump supporters. For many liberals, it hasn't been enough to simply say that their candidate is more qualified or that their ideas are better. Instead, they've effectively written off at least 40% of the electorate as being racist, sexist, illiterate rednecks. Don't get me wrong, racism and sexism is a very real problem in the Davd Duke wing of the party. But, there are going to be a lot of reasonable and decent people who will end up voting for Trump. These are people who spent their whole lives hearing about how once upon a time you could raise a family pumping gas or driving a bus. They've worked hard, played by the rules and done their best. And yet, that hasn't been enough. Maybe they're saddled with college debt and they can't find a job. Or, college was dream that never materialized and now they're grinding away at some shitty minimum wage job with no end in sight. They've been sold a bill of goods by both parties for decades and they're tired of being screwed over. So yea, they'll vote for someone like Trump, because that's the only way they can express their rage and frustration. When he says "what in the hell do you have to lose?" they look around at their lives and come to the saddest conclusion possible, "nothing". So, if burning it all down is their only chance to get someone to pay attention, they're going to do it, and I don't know if I have it in my heart to blame them. What worries me is that if Hillary wins, the Democrats are going to decide once and for all that they don't need to even pretend that they care about the very real issues that these people have. In fact, it's already started. When was the last time a Democrat made a serious play in a state like Mississippi or Kentucky? Hell, let's get a bit more granular about this. For all the talk of North Carolina being a 'battleground', take a look at the county results from 2008. With only a couple exceptions, the Democrats ceded the whole western part of the state. Frankly, if you're a rural white voter, the Democrats haven't given a shit about your vote since Bill Clinton was President. I think that's a mistake and I'm worried that if Hillary Clinton wins I think it's a mistake they're going to double down on.

Now, lets look on the other side of the equation. What if Trump wins? Honestly, this is the only election that has frightened me. As a political junkie, his campaign has been fascinating to watch. But, as a person, I'm terrified by what it would mean if he wins, and I'm saddened by the fact that there's so much anger and frustration in the country that there's even a possibility that he could get his tiny hands on the nuclear codes.
My biggest worry with Trump is that the very people who the Democrats have turned their backs on have chosen a saviour that gives precisely zero fucks about them. I'm amazed at how well a New York billionaire has managed to repackage himself as some kind of a populist superhero. But, he's pulled it off. If Trump wins, what do you think tomorrow is going to look like?

Personally, I think he's going to weaponize the rage of his supporters and use it against anyone who has slighted him in some real or imagined way. He's already flirted with this at his rallies in terms of aiming crowds of people at protesters and the media like they're a giant loaded gun that he can pull the trigger on anytime he wants. Imagine that on a national scale. I have a great deal of sympathy for the folks that feel like the 'new economy' is a sham. But, is that really what we want? Is that who we are?

Regardless of the outcome, I think something of a reckoning is on the horizon. I just can't imagine how things can function as they should when the nation is so polarized. Unfortunately, I can't see anything in this election that's going to make a positive difference. If anything, there's every chance it's going to be much worse in the near future.

Anyway, I have scotch to drink and the potential end of the world to ponder. So, I'm out!

Slightly Twisted

Ever since Sophia's Gourmet closed, my wife and I have struggled to find a good weekend breakfast spot that's close to home. The food there was wonderful and the service was really something special.

I'm disappointed to say that after a visit to "Slightly Twisted", we're still looking. 

I'll keep this short, because to be honest there's not much that I think I could say about the place that isn't going to sound like piling on. I know that people want to tell themselves that they really love going to that trendy little gift shop around the corner that sells delightfully ironic toasted sandwiches alongside uber-fancy, sustainably sourced, slow roasted, cold filtered mugs full of pretentious awesomeness that started life buried in the feces of a rodent. 

The truth is, if anyone says they like that sort of thing what they really mean is they like being seen in and around such places because it fits with the carefully cultivated image that they've spent countless years building for themselves. These are the same types of people that own lycra, go to "the salon" and foist their annoying little ill-tempered monsters, who can do no wrong, upon the world. Whether I'm referring to the obnoxious accessories that they pawn off as children, or the furrier and only slightly yappier 4 legged versions that they cram into their handbags, the story remains the same.

If this seems like a slightly long-winded windup, stay with me, because I promise there's a point. 

Either you're a quirky gift shop or you're there to sell food. Pick one. If the meal we received was any indication, you're better off picking the former over the latter.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm probably not the target demographic for places like this. But, with a working set of taste buds and an appreciation for the fact that money is a finite resource, I feel like I'm reasonably qualified to have an opinion on the subject.

On the day, we ordered the following:

1 ham, cheese and tomato jaffle.

1 mocha iced coffee

1 ginger and lemongrass "tea"

1 chicken quesadilla with "salsa"

$29.50 later, what we received was a soggy jaffle, a quesadilla that was about as Mexican as I am, a barely passable iced coffee loaded with aerosol "cream" and a glass of ice water that might've had a photo of some ginger held up next to it at some point, such was the amount of flavour that it contained. 

Tea?

More offensive than Speedy Gonzales

The issue for me isn't that the menu was simple. Simple that's done well is a wonderful thing. No, the issue for me is that there wasn't anything on the table that made me think someone involved in the process actually gave a rat's ass. If you're fortunate enough to work with food for a living, then your customers shouldn't receive something that looks like it was thrown together by a middle aged, inebriated house-wife whose main concern is cramming something in her children's mouths so that they shut up long enough for Desperate Housewives to finish.
If it's specifics that you're after, here they are.

The sauce in the "quesadilla" tasted like someone got Italian pasta sauce from a jar confused with salsa.

Based on the sogginess of the jaffle, I can only assume it was put together well prior to going into the jaffle-maker. That means on the one hand someone was too lazy to cut some tomatoes to order, but on the other I'm supposed to think they actually enjoy what they're dong?

The iced coffee was ok. Next time though, don't bother with whipped cream if it's going to come out of a can.

The tea was a joke. Basically, we were charged like $6.50 for a glass of ice water.

Overall, I've had better food at a petrol station.

Anyone who has bothered to read my corner of the internet knows that I don't have any kind of a scoring system. Generally, either I like a place or I don't. This place has inspired me though.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I give Slightly Twisted a 2. That puts it right smack in the middle of "I'm not going to work tomorrow." and "Meh. I've had worse." 

Don't waste your taste buds or your money in places like this.

Gypsies Wagon

The Rambling

This will be the first food related post that I've made in awhile. If I'm being honest, and I do try to be, this will be the first anything related post that I've made for awhile. I'd like to say that it's because I've been far too busy chasing my dreams and getting shit done. But, I'd also like to say that the myth about guys with big feet is in fact, factual.

We don't always get what we want. 

Perhaps at a more suitable time (IE when I feel like it) I'll get around to dithering on about some of the reasons why my brain basket hasn't been real quick on the uptake lately. Until then, I suggest we get one with the show.

So, as the title would suggest, the subject of today/tonight's ramblings is "The Gypsies Wagon Diner and Bar." My wife and I stumbled on the Wagon (who am I kidding, I've never spent a day on the wagon in my life) purely because we saw it across the street from "Grub Street" (another excellent breakfast option [spoiler? yea, too late]) out in Gaythorne. 

We were a little confused as to whether or not the neighboring shop-front, The Hansell and Gretel Cafe, was part of the same establishment (this might have something to do with the fact that we were both suffering from Sunday morning hunger brain). Actually, come to think of it I still don't really understand why there's two names for what I think is the same place. Either way, one of the helpful staff was kind enough to point us in the right direction. 

The first thing we noticed once we were inside is that it's got a laid back, funky vibe to it. The only way that I know to say it is that nothing really matches but everything goes together. Also, while we've not experienced a night-time session at the Wagon just yet (one of the things I'm noticing as I get older is that nigh-time sessions are hard work), it definitely looks like the kind of place where you could kick back and have a couple of drinks without feeling like you're on display.

Anyway, enough procrastinating. Things like quirky decor and excellent service can only get you so far. Bring on the food!

The Food

Funny thing about this blogging crap. A couple of hours ago I realized that I've yet to upload the more recent photos from my phone to the cloud (side note, just saying "the cloud" makes me want to punch myself in the throat. It's almost as bad as "synergy"). So, while that little problem was sorting itself out, I took a break from this to finish the giant(ish) re-imagining of fairy bread that I'm putting together for tomorrow. That's either a shameless plug for something that I'm hoping to post some photos of within the next couple of days, or it's a deep reflection on the fact that time has no real meaning in this little world that I'm venting into. Take your pick.

The first time my wife and I frequented the Wagon, we were a bit greedy and ordered with our eyes instead of our stomachs. I guess if you go somewhere while you're hungry and there's loads of interesting options, you end up taking the Buddhist "Make me one with everything" approach. 

For those folks who are only just joining our semi-regularly scheduled program, terrible puns come with the territory. You get used to it or you get gone (hopefully to something more interesting, like watching flies fornicate).

So, the first time we found ourselves in the wagon, I ordered the "Steak and Philly", my wife ordered a "Bubble & Squeak" and we thought 'meh, we're hungry. We may as well get a "Chili Cheese Fries" to share.'

BTW, my inner 6 year old can't help but think of this when someone says "Bubble & Squeak." Feel free to let your thinking muscles work out on that one while you finish reading this. That's assuming of course that you actually do finish reading this.

Thy Name is Excess

I'll be honest, when I read the menu I thought I was going to get a Philly Cheesesteak. Clearly that's not what came out. Apparently, they take the "Philly Cheese" part quite literally (think cream cheese.) The good news is that even though the burger that came out wasn't what I expected, it was delicious.
The braised steak was soft and juicy and the hot n' spicy sauce that was slathered on my meat was awesome..... slathered I tell you. Now I'm left wondering why it is that describing good food always sound so sexual.... Moving on!

The provolone smothered, brisket covered loaded fries were everything a person could want in a meal that's going to leave you feeling like a pig afterwards. They were an excellent mix of crispy, well seasoned potato and gluttony inducing cheesy, slow-cooked goodness.

Also for the record, referring to the fries as a "meal" rather than a "side" wasn't a mistake. The portion size was large enough that anything else would be overkill for someone not looking to eat themselves into an early grave.

For our second visit, we were a bit more strategic in our ordering.  My wife opted for what I think was called "The Matador", we got a bowl of un-loaded chips to share and I went for the cheeseburger with bacon and sriracha ranch dressing.

Who is photobombing who?

The couple of bites that I had of the Matador were definitely tasty, in a totally non-cannibalistic kind of way of course. The meatballs were nice and soft (no-one wants rock hard balls) and the sauce was loaded with tomato flavour. That being said, I had my own meal to focus on, and there was a decent heaping of chips between us to add to the distraction. Consequently, I don't think it would be fair for me to offer up much of an opinion one way or the other on this one. I reckon you'll just have to take a look at the picture and make up your own mind as to what you think.

As was the case the last time around, the chips were crisp and well seasoned. I almost didn't regret the fact that we went for the un-loaded variety. My arteries were probably grateful for the change of pace. But seriously, what have they ever done for me?

Behold! In all its glory! 

This brings me to the cheeseburger, aka "The Main Event." For a bit of context, in my opinion you can't get much better than a good burger. The catch is that most of the time what you get when you go out isn't nearly as good as what you can make yourself. This is particularly true if you're in the mood for a tasty, no-frills, char-grilled goodness. Invariably you'll get something where the bun is massive and way too crunchy. Or, the patty has the consistency of a brick and it's loaded with all kinds of god-awful things that have no business being on a hamburger (I'm looking at you pineapple and beetroot). I'm not the most well traveled person in the word, but I've had a bit of meat in my mouth over the years (and my jokes are as subtle as Donald Trump on meth). I can honestly say that a burger at the Wagon rates up there with the best that I've found in Brisbane. I'd happily put it up against a burger from Ben's Burgers, Hudson's Corner or the South Side Diner (all of which are awesome as well btw). The bun was soft and squishy without being too fragile, the sriracha ranch was delicious and the smokiness of the bacon and the cheese was an excellent foil for the crisp bit of cos that brought the whole thing together. Last but certainly not least, the meat wasn't cooked within an inch of it's freaking life (a pet hatred of mine). It was nice and charred on the outside, but pink and juicy on the inside (remember what I said before about food always sounding sexual???) Overall, it really was one of the tastiest burgers that I've had in awhile.

The Verdict

I don't have a scoring system for things like this. If we were talking movies, it would be "The Happening Scale of Craptitude." Until I come up with something palatable and easily digestible (you know that wasn't a mistake), all I can say is the Wagon is well worth a visit. The food is excellent, the staff are friendly as hell and the menu won't leave you bored. The next time you find yourself having the "I dunno, what do you want for breakfast/lunch?" conversation, give these folks a go. You won't be disappointed.