This Fucking Shit (AKA James Ward is an idiot)

Ok, I had about half a page of what I'd like to think were witty comparisons between the United States and Australia. I even sprinkled in some acknowledgement that Australia isn't all that bad of a place. In fact, it's a pretty easy argument to make that I'd be much worse off if I had stayed in America. The whole thing was supposed to smoothly transition into some commentary on what I see as the entrenched nanny-state mentality over here, and the fact that it's (for the most part) wholeheartedly supported by the locals. Then, I was going to segue into how an article that I read this morning was a prime example of my point.

But I've got to be honest, that was all just some fluff that I felt like I needed in order to justify where I was going with this post. Then I remembered it's my small corner of the internet. I don't need to justify shit. So, I'll cut to the chase. James Ward is an idiot and I hope no one takes his 'ideas' seriously.

Read this article and come back, if you can be bothered. I'll try to have some fun with this.

Ok, so here's the thing. Right out of the gate I've got to say that you can't spew a load of horseshit only to try to wiggle out of it by tossing out some nonsense about how the whole thing is "a little bit tongue-in-cheek." This wanker was sitting around one day mentally stroking himself until what he thought was a 'brave' idea spurted out onto his computer screen. Then, in an act of true courage he's added a little 'get out of jail free' clause at the end of the article. That way if anyone complains he can always say something along the lines of "come on guys and gals, I was just joking. But, road safety is a serious issue and we should all do our part." Or some equally wishy-washy garbage that would allow him to pretend he wasn't REALLY advocating for yet another way to fine people to death. It's the classic "I was just trying to make a point" excuse. Somewhere Jonathan Swift is not amused by such bullshit.

So, I'm going to disregard the lame cop-out at the end of James' 'article' and respond to the fact that I think the little weasel actually meant everything he said up to that point. If you couldn't make it through the whole thing, it can be best summed up by saying that he reckons people should be fined for not pulling away quickly enough from a light which has turned green. How does he propose to accomplish this? With green light cameras, of course. Like there aren't enough cameras and fines waiting around every corner over here.

Guess what, it's a pretty safe bet that some of those people he rails against who are "staring off vacantly into the distance" are just trying to lose themselves in a few extra seconds of imagination while they're driving away from a home life they can't stand towards a job they hate. This notion that absolutely every second of every day has to be spent working towards some meaningful pursuit in the most efficient way possible is precisely why so many people are fucking miserable. Then this jerk comes along and says you're a threat to public safety if you don't sprint off of a green light like you're drag-racing for pink slips. That's just what an already over-worked, over-stressed and over-medicated populace needs, one more thing to worry about!

Studies have already shown that red light cameras do nothing to improve safety. Why would this 'brave' idea of adding green light cameras be any different? It's already to the point that people will either slam on their brakes or speed up in order to try and avoid running a red light with a camera. Now, imagine you've got a camera on the other side of the road keeping tabs on whether or not you're leaving a light fast enough to suit this BMW promoting jackass. You already know what will happen. Panicked Driver #1 times it wrong and speeds through a red light while Panicked Driver #2 takes off from their green light like a shot because they're worried about getting a fine. They meet somewhere in the middle and then the BMW promoting jackass has to wait even longer while the wreckage is cleared from the intersection.

The reason why people drive badly has little do with the drivers. I honestly believe that it's the cars. Dipshits make a living out of promoting cars that damn near drive themselves. Then we're supposed to act surprised when people get distracted while driving these islands on wheels and run over a nun who is carrying a baby. If your car can stop on a dime, all of a sudden you don't worry about riding someone's ass anymore. If your car has full surround sound stereo and climate control, you're less inclined to know what's going on around you because you're encased in your own little world.

Hell, let's just run down some specs from the last car this super douche was touting:

• Auto Climate Control with Dual Temp Zones
• Heated Front Seats
• Adaptive Drive
• Electronic Brake Force Distribution
• Hill Holder
• Traction Control System
• Cruise Control
• Head Up Display
• Multi Function Steering Wheel
• Mobile Phone Connectivity
• Parking Distance Control Rear
• Power Steering
• Reversing Camera
• Voice Recognition System
• Sound System with 12 Speakers
• Television
• Active Steering

Seriously, look at all that shit and tell me that's a car someone is going to be able to drive without getting distracted or bored. It's fine though, because Mr. Ward is here to tell you that if you're dumb enough to take his advice and spend over $200k on a car then you're also opening yourself up to having him call you a safety risk when said car lulls you into a false sense of security and you zone out at the wheel. It's complete hypocritical nonsense.

Lately I've been using a somewhat large and unwieldy piece of American Iron as my daily driver, and I honestly think it's made me a better driver. If you're cruising down the road in a 3/4 ton pickup with no power steering and no power brakes (drums all around) it forces you to pay attention to what's going on around you. Every stoplight becomes a "will I or won't I" calculation based on how far away you are and what the traffic around you is doing. Every lane change is a study in patience and caution. I'm not saying this because I think everyone should go out and get behind the wheel of something that was obsolete before I was born (truth be told, sometimes I question my intelligence at having decided to drive such a beast.) I just think the world would be much better off if impatient, holier than thou little twerps would stop looking for new and creative ways to cram their "lead follow or get out of the way" suburbanite, yuppie agendas down the throats of people who just want to get from point A to B without having to worry if the prick behind them is going to get upset because they've been inconvenienced by a few seconds.

You know the one thing I really struggle with when I'm out and about in the relic? It's not the lack of AC or power windows. I couldn't give less of a damn about the fact that my truck doesn't have "Parking Distance Control" (whatever that is) or "Active Steering" (again, WTF?). No, what chaps my ass is nitwits like James Freaking Ward who ride up too close behind me because I'm not going fast enough for their liking. Or folks that can't seem to grasp the concept that their 20lb Getz is probably going to pull away from a traffic light with a bit more pep than what I've got. These are the types of people who can say things like "every time you step into a car, bring your A-game." with a straight face. Like it's some kind of competition that they're wining simply because they've got a set of polished veneers sparkling back at them from the vanity mirror of their proxy dick on wheels.

Get fucked dude. I'm just trying to get to work. And, I'd like to be able to do it without having to worry about whether or not some smarmy little male menopause suffering soccer-dad behind me is busy having a shit-fit all over their 'Sumptuous $3200 Exclusive Nappa leather' seats simply because I might actually be taking the time to enjoy the drive.

I care not for your 'busy' schedule